How is it that if you trust a man to do something, no matter how simple the task, he will inevitably find some way to screw the whole thing up and then expect you not to be angry when he digs himself out at the last minute, after stressing you out for hours?? I am nothing short of amazed by this. The really funny part is that, every time this happens, it is another man running to his defense to tell me that I need to go easy on him.

Why would another man do this??

Well, I would venture to say that this gesture is made in hopes that, the next time he finds himself in the bottom of a deep hole, some other man will do him the favor of telling his woman not to make him sleep outside. It's a self preservation thing, it has nothing to do with helping out your fellow man.

It is good to know that women are not this selfish. We don't bother to run to other people's defense unless we actually think that it is justified. Otherwise, girl, you'd better be prepared to suck it up and take what you've got coming cuz you f*%#ed up and there's nothing anyone else can do about it. Screw this whole business "I'll-stick-up-for-you-if-you'll-stick-up-for-me-later" bullsh$t...cuz it's just too time consuming. See, us women just don't intend to get ourselves into trouble later.

Common Sense...Just another one of the up sides to being born without a penis.

Penisless & Proud,
vette

IF MY BLOG HAS BEEN BORING RECENTLY, COMMENT NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE

vette

It is good to be out of the house again...even if it is just to go to work. However, now that Nevin is pox free and I can resume going to work in the daytime, I think that I may start losing weight again. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be at home with a little kid and not snack all day?? Kids eat all the time...it's amazing. I don't know where that little monster puts it. All I know is that I envy him. I wish I could eat tons of food and get taller and never fatter...that would be so nice...

My hair is way too long. It's grown out way too fast. It's all my own fault..you know, for getting the shot so that my body thinks I'm pregnant and just keeps itself super healthy & full of vitamins. Still, this whole depo provera thing was a great idea. I mean, you can't get knocked up if your body already thinks that you are! Woo Hoo!!

I changed my nails...silver with blue flames now...much preferred to that hideous fuschia disaster. Have I reminded you all that I hate the color pink??

Okay...Good news: I have finally invested in a cell phone. It is the most bomb ass cell phone ever invented. It's not just a cell phone - it's a palm pilot. You all know that I never would have bought a cell phone if it didn't kick ass on all the other cell phones that I had looked at. My cell phone had to be better than any of my friend's phones. Isn't that awful?? Oh well, no one ever said that I was friendly. :P

Have to work. It's something I haven't done a lot of lately, and I'm having trouble getting back into the groove (or rut as it be).

always,
vette

Blog for Wednesday, May 22nd: Stir Crazy

Dear God, I have not left the house since I got home from work last Friday...I could very well go mad. Jeff is on the verge of killing me for talking on the phone so much...hours and hours and hours. But hey, what the hell else was supposed to do? Besides, most of the time that I have spent on the phone today was with my father, who was lecturing me on the importance of trusting Jeff 100% to always do the right thing. Meanwhile, Jeff got off work early and, since the phone was busy, just went to the movies and called me at almost 6 (usually home by 5) to find out if I would come to the theater and pick him up. My dad kind of felt like an asshole, after defending Jeff for nearly 3 hours, not knowing that he would do something to get himself in trouble before the conversation was even over. :O) I'm never happy when Jeff makes not so hot decisions, but I am happy that my dad had to crawl a little ways out of my ass about the whole thing.

I have been in my pajamas for two days now. I'm beginning to wish I had the chicken pox too, because it would make things around here a bit more interesting. Oh well...I just have to wait until Friday...then I can go somewhere. Just to work but, hey, it's better than spending another day here at the house. Did you know that cartoons come on from 5:00 a.m. until 3:00 in the afternoon, continuously?? Hell, if you watch the Disney channel, you can see all of the cartoons that came on between 5 and 9 again from 9 to 1. I guess this whole stay-at-home-mom thing wouldn't be so bad if I were able to leave the house, but I am trying not to infect half of the nation...although Jeff insists that I would be doing everyone a big favor by passing the pox around. Better to get them while you are young, right?? Regardless, I'm still not taking him to the park.

always,
vette

Blog for Saturday, May 18th: Chicken Pox

Good Grief, this week was definitely a record breaker for my son: Mild Concussion Wednesday, Ear Infection Thursday, Chicken Pox Saturday. There goes my weekend. Sheesh, I am definitely getting paid back for everything I put my parents through when I was younger. Luckily, he had the vaccine, so he didn't get a really bad case of the chicken pox...but it's no fun regardless. He's feverish and grumpy and clingy and I can full on see that this is going to be a very, very long week....

You know what I hate? People who are condescending and rude and all bitchy, and on welfare. If it wasn't for us and the other workers in the building, they have any money, any food, or any kind of medical coverage. So, they come in and moan and bitch because they have to turn in a monthly income report and then treat us like we are incompetent. Obviously, since we're competent enough to process all of their shit so that they get their stinkin' checks while they sit at home on their asses, they have no business talking down to us.

You know what's funny?? I used to be on welfare...the difference is that I was grateful, not some needy, helpless bitch. For more details on why I'm annoyed (as usual) with my job, visit Uncle Craig's Big Adventure and read about "The Evil, Evil Woman on the Other Side of the Counter" (I made up the title for him and everything...I'm referred to, on his page, as Swirl).

Going home...Thank God for Weekends.
vette

So, it's official: I need professional help.

No, not that kind of professional help - I'm talking about my hair. I seriously need a class in blow drying. I actually burnt a finger on the blow dryer today - can you believe it? I feel like a hair styling reject!! So, anyways, now my hair is puffy and the ends are flipping out. I wonder if the local beauty college will let me sit in on blow drying day... Linda has volunteered to teach me how to blow dry my hair..she has lots of experience. However, she got it while she was a dog groomer. Wow, how sad, I am going to learn how to blow dry from a dog groomer.

Maybe I should just give in and go and get my hair washed & styled on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays....it'll look so awesome when Rachel (my stylist) is done with it...but it would cost me $36 bucks a week. So much for this being my nice, easy to do haircut. Sheesh.

I don't feel so bad, though, because Crystal is having a hard time with hers too. At least I am not the only person on earth who doesn't have this blowdry and curl thing down. It appears we have just forgotten how to be girly. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to relearn that skill.

vette

The news is in: My son's skull is NOT fractured!! I am still a good mommy!!

So, my son is 21 months old and already has given himself a concussion. And Jeff wonders why I want our next child to be a girl.

Here it is, 10:00 at night, and our son is still running rampant through the house, refusing to calm down for a minute for fear that he might go to sleep. We keep these little scented bags (formally diaper disposal bags) around the house for his poopy diapers...it keeps the whole house from smelling like baby shit. Nevin knows that he is not supposed to play with them. Not surprising, then, that he grabbed a whole handful of them and took off running. I got up and told him to come over here now. That's when he decided to throw down the bags and then attempt to run over them to get to me. Needless to say, he slipped on them and slammed the back of his head into the kitchen floor. He started to cry and get up when he slipped again, this time falling forward (did I mention that he already had put a huge knot on the front of his head playing cars on the balcony??). After that, he got quiet...the first sign that something is wrong. So, like good little parents, Jeff and I put our clothes back on (no, we were not naked, just in our pajamas) and rushed Nevin to the emergency room. I swear, ER doctors smoke crack.

We're there for over an hour before the doctor even comes in to check out his head. In the meantime, Nevin got all squirmy in the waiting room and managed to slam the back of his head into the chair he had been sitting in. Luckily, the doctor saw it happen so there was no question of whether he fell or whether we had picked him up by his feet and swung him back and forth in the hallway. Anyways, the the doctor tells me that he has questions and to wait there...and he leaves us in the room while he goes and pages Nevin's pediatrician (at midnight, no less) and asks her how she wants us to handle it. About 1/2 an hour later, he comes back. He says that he believes that Nevin just has two ear infections however, if he fractured his skull, the telltale sign would be redness in his ears due to the blood gathering behind his ear drums. So, instead of doing a head x-ray, they have left it up to his doctor's discretion today to decide if one is necessary. Instead, we just had to monitor him every 2 hous during the course of the night to make sure that he wasn't losing consciousness, just sleeping and still wakeable. Stupid Asshole Doctor!

Now, here it is the next morning and I am sitting at work and waiting for a phone call from my mother (who had to take Nevin to the doctor for me) to let me know if he is okay or if I have to get my butt back up to Paradise because my son has a fractured skull.

If I bitch a lot today, just bear with me.
vette

I did not know that it was possible for people who have hardly any hair at all to have bad hair days...but I just had my first one. You see, this morning was my first experience with a blow-dryer since 1999...and I apparently need practice. It would not have been so bad were I equipped with the proper tools. You see, a basic of blow drying your hair smooth is a big fat round brush to pull your hair with. Well, I do have one. However, apparently, my son ran away with it and hid it somewhere that I would never find it...or at least well enough that I didn't encounter it during my 1/2 hour of searching this morning. How rude...so I blow-dryed my hair as best I could...but, at this point, my hair is so straight that the ends are almost pointy if just left straight so I looked like an asian girl with a hack job. That was when i decided to wake Jeff up...and I asked him to get Nevin ready and take him to daycare and, in the event that my hair refused to be repaired, I would call in sick and he could take the car to work today. Luckily, I have a halogen curling iron (doesn't that sound crazy??) that I was able to use to touch things up enough that I could leave the house. I think I'll go home and try this again when I get off of work.

Good news: As of June 10th, I will have Wednesdays off!! Woo Hoo!! This means that I will be working Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. I know it's a strange day to have off, but the less days that I have to work in welfare continuously the better off I will be. Besides, if I have Wednesdays off and Jeff has Fridays off, that means that Nevin will only be in daycare 3 days a week. For the first time since he was 5 months old, he will be spending more time per week with his parents than with a babysitter. Maybe now I won't feel so bad about leaving him with a babysitter on Saturday night. :O) **Yay! I am such a good mommy!!**

I'm feeling blankness...I believe that it is time for a fudge bar.
I'll write more when my brain has been nourished towards thought.

vette

I need a cool job. It is just not fair. One of my friends is temping at Universal right now. The other one works at e!entertainment and is getting ready to do a photo shoot on Courtney Love's lawn. How rude!! I mean, really, the most excitement that I get in a day is watching the WFU guys come out and arrest someone and haul them off. It is just not fair. I am too young to have a job this boring. What ever happened to the days that I worked at a record company and organized/promoted clubs and special events?? What ever happened to the days when I would have turntables set up in my living room, playing ground shaking rhythms and funky grooves 24 hours a day?? What ever happened to me being the fun one?

I'll tell you what happened - babies.

Not only does a baby change your hormones, and you body, and make you suddenly a good budgeter and a responsible person - a baby changes everything. Suddenly, everything takes on a moral value. Everything you do makes you either a good mom or a bad mom...and the middle of the road becomes blurry territory that you probably should not venture into. So, here I am, a good mom: Only drink socially, don't do drugs, don't smoke, don't go to all night parties and leave the baby with a sitter...still cuss to much, but I don't think that can be helped. That's just in my nature. Half the time I don't even know I'm doing it. Oh well, everyone is allowed at least one bad habit - mine is just saying shit a lot.

I need to move to the city again, so I can regain my youth and get a cool job while I'm at it.

Never live more than 20 minutes from a large metropolitan area (at least not until you are over 45)...it's bad for your health,
vette

I am going to attempt to retype a miraculous, ranting blog that I attempted to post when blogger decided that it's Disk was full and lost it. Here goes nothing:

My best friend once told me that I do best when I feel like I'm needed. Being a mommy now, you would think that this need is fulfilled. However, apparently, I still need to have someone who I am corrupting and trying to bring out of their shell. You know, like finding a diamond in the rough and then polishing it up to send out into the world to have new, more exciting adventures. Some people grow plants, I grow people. I don't know if that came out right. Let's just say that my more introverted friends seem to be my creative outlet.

Now, however, my most recent innocent, Crystal, is being stuck in the middle of some sort of welfare high school territory war. For some strange reason our friend, a fellow co-worker, is freaking out. She went on leave for a couple of months to have her boobs hacked off. Prior to this, the 3 of us did lunch and chit chatted and what not (the two of them more than the rest of us). However, in her absence, some things changed. Crystal and I had the chance to talk to eachother and realized that we had a lot in common. You know, there's only a year or so difference in age, we listen to similar music, we have funny relationships, and we are still searching for all of the exciting opportunities that life has to offer. We're not ready to buy houses and get overly settled and just exist. We've still got a few years before that's going to happen. Then there is our other friend; we'll call her Judy (no particular reason). Judy is a Martha Stewart prodigy. Her house is immaculate, she gardens, she cooks casseroles--she makes us look bad. Meanwhile, Crystal just learned that you can steam broccoli in the microwave. It's only understandable that, once we really got to talking, we realized that we had a lot in common and hit it off. However, Judy thinks that Crystal and I respectively stole each other from her. Childish, to say the least. I can't even begin to remember how young I was the last time that I accused someone of "stealing" my friend. What a load of crap.

I am so hideously annoyed. It's a good thing that Crystal is nice enough to polish Judy's apple enough to get her to quit emailing me psycho stuff about stealing her friend. You all know that I'm not that nice. In fact, I emailed her and told her to stop smoking crack and breathe some fresh air because obviously her brain wasn't getting enough oxygen. Sheesh, ridiculous.

Needless to say, I now don't really have any desire to hang out with her (hate it when people express ownership over me) and I'm just kind of ill about the whole thing. I can't believe that a 30-something woman is acting less mature than me. Good Lord.

Anyways, on a lighter note, I am getting my hair done this weekend. I will have to figure out how to put up pictures after I do it, cuz it is going to be drastic. I figure, since Jeff & Nevin are too broke to really do up Mother's Day, this is my gift to myself (Damn LA County and their 170% tax on traffic fines...they say that it is for road repairs. When is the last time you saw a road get repaired in LA?)

Oh well, I am going to go home soon....yay!! :) I'll rant more later.
vette

Okay...so here I am at lunch, calmly eating my Lemon Herb Chicken Piccatta (I love eating food with big names) and reading the Chico News & Review when I see this:

National Masturbation Day is May 7th! Let yourself go!

Yowsa...I hope that Jeff didn't read that. I hope that the body butter was put away when we left the house this morning. He doesn't need to masturbate...that's what I'm for. However, I do hope that my single friends will read this and take advantage of the hours left until midnight. Eww...maybe I shouldn't have stopped to think about it. What kind of world would this be if everyone were to masturbate at the same time?? Very antisocial, I think.

Anyways, life just keeps getting wierder and wierder. I think it's got something to do with the moons, or the fact that I work in Welfare, or the fact that I live in the boonies. I guess it's a combination of everything.

Hmmm...that was some good strawberry shortcake. I love weight watchers.

Cool Whip was invented by God himself,
vette

This was the most interesting of weekends. I mean, Friday started out to be a normal enough day...and then, after work, the boys and I were going to go out to dinner at Chevy's with some friends (Crystal and her man). So, we go in and we sit down for just a normal little dinner.

To start with, we get this funkadelic waiter named Matt (even though his name tag said "el Gringo Loco"). He apparently spends entirely too much time working and not enough time with his son, which means that he became instantly attached to ours. They were just playing and having a good old time, so he brought Nevin (have I mentioned my son's name before?) some crayons. This was a good idea for a few minutes, until Nevin remembered that crayons were edible (and, thankfully, non-toxic). So, like the big bad parents that we are, we took the crayons away and stuck them at the other end of the table. So, since the waiter felt bad that Nevin was going to soon be bored, he brough him a balloon. This provided non-stop laughter at the entire table for the next 15 minutes or so. You see, Nevin was trying to bite the balloon. Now, I don't know if you have ever seen what a person's mouth & nose look like smashed up against the side of a balloon, but being able to watch the whole thing through the other side of the balloon was pure comedy. That is, until the balloon popped. This freaked out half of the restaurant. I am quite sure that there were people who left with salsa on their pants on account of my son. :O) I am so proud.

Well, as the night went on, we ate and ate and ate (I believe I even saw Crystal and her man trade plates at one point)...and drank (that is, those of us that are over 21 drank). In fact, we got what is known as the "Grande" Midori Margarita. It was this huge bowl attached to a stem. :O) I was stoked. Not quite enough tequila in it, but it tasted good so I didn't really care....until I found out that this margarita was costing me $9 bucks!! Yowsa!! Still not sure if it was worth it or not, but it was good and it was big and I drank the whole thing, so I suppose that I am content with it.

Anyways, apparently the margarita did me some good, because I made the sudden decision that we should take Nevin to go and see Spiderman. So, we hauled ass up the hill to Paradise and pulled in to the movie theater about 3 minutes before the moving would be starting. Bummer...all of the seats that were left were in the neckbreaker section (you know, front & center) so we decided we would just have to wait until another time. It was then that the idea occurred to us that we should go bowling...so, with free games in hand, we decided to drive our butts over to the bowling alley.

8:00, Friday night, and here's 4 adults and a 20 month old baby going bowling. We got inside and got our lanes and our midori margaritas and we were good to go...or so we thought. For some reason, the black lights on the lanes kept messing up the pin counting machine so it kept saying that we got strikes. Being the competitive guy that he is, Jeff had to go and be a party pooper and have them turn the regular lights on over the pins so that it would score us correctly. This way, no one would win unfairly. Blah, blah, blah... Anyways, drinks in hand, we began to bowl...and the guys whipped Crystal and I's asses into oblivion. We SUCKED!! It could be attributed to the fact that my son bowled some of the frames for me (oh, he is so cute when he bowls...you know, the ball's almost as big as he is...just a kick in the pants!!) It also could have been attributed to the fact that I got peed on part way through the first game (love it when those diapers leak) and it was kind of hard to concentrate. However, my friends were understanding and, thanks to the hand drying machine, the pee dried quickly. Oh yeah, and Crystal started to dance, at which point her husband told her that she was so white that she hurt him. That's when it occurred to me that Crystal and I needed to do some shots of tequila in order to improve our bowling game (and her rhythm, and to keep me from being pissy...no pun intended).

Have I talked about Crystal?? She is my good innocent little friend...you know, the one with no piercings, no tattoos, and who had never done a shot of Tequila until Friday night. She was the one who was always the designated driver, you know? I'm trying to break her...I think it may be easier than I suspected....she's begging to be bent a little. ;O) (Don't hate me for writing about you, kay?)

Anyways, there's Crystal and I standing at the bar getting ready to do shots, when she tells me that she has never had a shot of tequila before. Hence, the training process. You know, the step by step on what to do with the salt, the shot, and the lime. It was fun. Although I thought that her insides might explode when she swallowed it (I did fear for anyone within spitting range), she made it and it made her quite giggly. It was then that we commenced on another game of bowling.

The second game was much more eventful than the first. See, my theory is, the more crooked you walk, the straighter you bowl. You know, it's one of those situations where you have to concentrate so hard just to get to the lanes that you have to bowl good or it was a waste of effort. And, just to help out the cause, Nevin decided to grab my hands and run in circles around me...he got me good and dizzy. In the end, apparently the shot paid off because we tied the boys. :) Inevitably, we had to bowl a 3rd game.

We figured that, since the liquor worked on game #2, we were simply going to have to do another tequila shot before game #3. So, once again, we went trotting off to the bar in search of some game enhancing drinks. ;) We got there and were rather loudly (in order to talk over the Karaoke), discussing how brutal Crystal thought that the tequila shot was. Well, apparently the bartender overheard (Did I mention that this woman used to babysit me??) and decided to make a suggestion...the Buttery Nipple. This shot concocted of Butterscotch Schnapps and Bailey's Irish Creme (yummy!!). So, we decided to indulge ourselves a little (did I mention that this is totally not allowed by my diet...that is, not if I intend to eat that day) and throw back some Buttery Nipples. As Crystal put it, it was the closest to girl on girl action that the men would see that night (you know, us with mouthful's of Buttery Nipples) so, we'd better go for it. Those things kicked ass!! So, we went strolling back out to the lanes to bowl our 3rd and final game of the evening.

Yup, we got our asses kicked again. Not because we were too drunk, just because I kind of quit bowling. I was more or less dancing around and chasing my sock wearing son up and down the lanes the entire game. Spinning around in circles, playing peek a boo, and doing the tango with my little man, while my big man laughed at me and made comments like "Wow, he sure loves it when Mama gets drunk." Crystal, on the other hand, bowled the best game of her life, even if she did bowl part of it on the wrong lane. ;O) The night was good.

I'll have to write about the rest of the weekend later, because my hands are tired from typing all of this up. Yeesh...I've always been long winded, but this is ridiculous.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!! (A Day Late),
Vette

So, I have decided to go with this background because I have a tendency to want to light people on fire. I guess that's just a part of working in Social Services (aka Welfare)...however, for the most part, it's some of the people that work for the County that keep me flaming, not the clients. Sad, isn't it?? I guess that doesn't say much for me, since I work for the County. I guess I'm just a bright spot. :O)

But really, this dieting thing is working out quite well. No, I did not go home and eat See's Candy yesterday. Instead, I went home and has fish & rice & asparagus. What a good little girl I am. Oh well, 20 lbs. down, only 40 to go....Hmmm...when I say it that way, it doesn't sound like I've made much progress, does it?? Grr... How frustrating.

Nevertheless, I think about food just as much as ever. I look forward to eating very much...almost as much as I look forward to getting some when Nevin goes to sleep. :OD Yeah, I'd have to say I much prefer when Nevin goes to sleep.

I am a perv and should not be allowed to write things that the public can read (good job, Tyler).

Still Craving Chevy's,
vette

How crappy is this...I fell asleep last night at 7:30 and I'm still freakin' tired.

Oh well....

So, I haven't written a whole lot this week. That would be because my life is dull. Or it has been this week anyway. Just working and eating and sleeping and stuff... Blah Blah Blah...

I am having these strange urges to buy more shoes...and eat See's candy. But I guess that's just because I have a whole box of them on top of my refrigerator and weight watcher's says that they are like murder...so I have been good and just smelled them on occasion. How sad is that. I may have to go home and have one and dock myself like 5 points. :)

Eat more Chocolate, it's good for You,
vette