You know what gets me???

Trust.

People who already know me, know that I'm not the quickest to trust a person. I believe that trust is something that is earned, not freely given. Occassionally, I make mistakes. Sometimes, my judgment is overthrown by cosmic flashes of kismet...and so far, all of these have been wrong.

I realize that the below comment was harsh. But it's how I felt at that moment, and I don't regret saying it at all. However, what makes me sad about the situation is that Matt was someone that I considered to be a true friend, not just someone I was sleeping with in my spare time or making out with on occassion. I thought that he was someone I could really open up to and really talk to and that I really had a connection with...

I was mistaken.

I did talk to him after I left the post below. There is a part of me that wants to be friends with him. That understands that he's young and not ready for a real relationship - especially not one with a kid involved - and that he has a lot of learning to do. However, there is a bigger part of me that just can't understand how someone who calls themself your friend could totally rip your heart out and stomp on it and expect you to want to talk to them tomorrow. I guess the proper phrase would be that I am torn.

I wrote a little something. I call it Everything you Gave Me.

I gave you a little piece of me
something to hold on to
a key to my heart and my soul
And in return you gave me laughter
and listened to me cry
and then you took your toll
But I gave you the benefit of the doubt
and all you gave in return
Was a list of reasons to doubt you
and tears that made my eyes burn
Now I sit here in the dark
angry and somewhat jaded
Wondering why it is
that your memory hasn't yet faded
Why I spoke to you today
and felt the anger dissipate
And just turn into sadness
what an ugly twist of fate
Now everything you gave me
doesn't compare to what you took
And I'm discarding the last chapter
and just starting a new book
And I don't know if you'll be in it
but you might just get a dedication
Cuz sometimes pain and anger
can be the greatest inspiration
To pursue a life of happiness
while walking your path alone
And moving quickly towards success
without a fear of the unknown
Without needing someone to hold your hand
or reassure you when you're scared
And doing all those crazy things
that you never would have dared
And blazing new trails that lead you away
from the past and all the lies
Perhaps there is some credit due
to rather heartbreaking goodbyes.

- Yvette McMillen 9/26/05