Why don't we try not to break out hearts and make it so hard for ourselves?

I didn't think the one year anniversary of the end would be this difficult. I'm assuming it's mostly because it's the holidays...and this is the first year without our whole family. But, I think it's at least partly due to the fact that he's arriving on Christmas Eve and I'm going to spend that happy holiday with our little family. When we just relax, we get along so well and I see glimpses of my best friend who turned out to be the man I fell in love with...and that's when I get sad that we're never going to see that happily ever after.

I thought that we were going to go back to being friends, but it's just hard.

How is it that someone who was your very best friend can turn into someone you don't even know?

Don't get me wrong - I don't regret that we are not together. In many ways, I am better off now that we are not together and I am making progress that I never would have otherwise. But, really, starting over is so hard, and so tiring, and so lonely. And you find yourself wondering if you just weren't meant to have that happily ever after at all. I learned so much about what I want, but I left so scarred, I don't know that I'll ever put my defenses down low enough to let what I want happen. I've apparently lost my ability to be vulnerable.

Can we just skip to new year's??? I just want this year to be over. Actually, I want it to be March....but that's another story.