Long Distance Dedication...well, not so long distance

I quit writing poetry a year and a half ago when it got too depressing. Now I speak through other people's lyrics.

"Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down?
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat .. drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost ...
And what you had ...
And what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say women they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean you'll know
You'll know

Now here I go again I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It's only me who wants to
Wrap around your dreams and ...
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness
Like a heartbeat .. drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost ...
And what you had ...
And what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Women they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean you'll know

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say women they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean you'll know
You'll know ...
You will know ...
Ooo you'll know"

Thank you.

Dido got it so right. Except that this song, I don't think, is about being in love. It's about having totally blinding crushes. Good stuff.

"I drank too much last night, got bills to pay, my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today - I'm late for work again
And even if I go they will all imply that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad...it's not so bad."

But funny how you feel that way about someone and 10 minutes later want to relate to some old quarterflash:

"All of my life I've been waiting in the rain
I swear I'll never ever wait again
It feels so close but always disappears
Darlin' in your wildest dreams you never had a clue
Well it's time you got the news
I'm gonna harden my heart
I'm gonna swallow my tears
I'm gonna turn and leave you here"

Yeah, I'm moody. But remember, weebolls wobble but they don't fall down.
The vettester always comes out on top.

and here she comes again....

"You've got a fast car
I've got a job that pays all our bills
You go drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you & me'd find it
I got no plans, I ain't goin' nowhere
So take your fast car & keep on drivin'"

Jeff, I love you - always will, but this one's for you.
Sometimes saying goodbye is the hardest thing.
And sometimes, staying is even harder.

So, in case you were wondering...this is why I don't have feelings anymore. This is why I can be detached and blunt and insensitive. This is why my life is so simple. You know how Evanescence begs you to "Wake me up inside" and "Save me from the dark"?

Please don't. I like it here.
I'm going to go home and listen to Everclear as soon as I get off of work. And then the Cure's wish album. And I'm going to pretend the last week never happened...except for the Cure show, of course.

tootles.

haha!!

"Last night I had the strangest dream
I sailed away to China, in a little rowboat to find ya
And you said you had to get your laundry cleaned
Didn't want no one to hold you, what does that mean? And you said...

Aint nobody gonna break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down, oh no
I got to keep on moving
Aint nobody gonna break my stride
I'm running and I wont touch ground, oh no
I got to keep on moving

You're on the road and now you pray at last
The road beyond I was rocky
But now you're feeling cocky
You looked at me and you'll see your past
Is that the reason why you're running so fast? And she said...

Aint nobody gonna break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down, oh no
I got to keep on moving
Aint nobody gonna break my stride
I'm running and I wont touch ground, oh no
I got to keep on moving

Never let another girl like you work me over
Never let another girl like you drag me under
If I meet another girl like you I will tell her
Never want another girl like you have to say - oh!

Aint nobody gonna break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down, oh no
I got to keep on moving
Aint nobody gonna break my stride
I'm running and I wont touch ground, oh no
I got to keep on moving"

Matthew Wilder, you were a freaking genius. Everytime I hear this song on the radio I get rejuvenated. Have I taken the time to remind you lately that the world is mine and I'm taking it?

Dating? Fuck it. Being polite? Fuck it. Being politically correct? Fuck it.

It's all about me, baby! How you like me now?? :oP

I can't help but keep looking at my stats

I'm in awe. I didn't update this for 9 months and there were still people who read it every single day.

Thanks for all the love. I am sure that the people who were actually checking this are old friends from NorCal who wonder what the fuck happened to me cuz I'm so bad at keeping in touch with all of you.

Love you - mean it. :)
vette

Waking Revelations.

It just occurred to me why I'm so bugged by everything that's going on. Perhaps it's all too familiar of a situation that got screwed up like this before.

See, in 1997 I met this boy. We hung out 24/7 for months and, finally in June, he kissed me and the chemistry that we'd long ignored took over. We were together all the time. He even took care of me when I was sick. And we had AMAZING sex. Anyways, we always knew that it was nothing serious and then, that fall, I began to want more. I knew I did, and I knew I couldn't have it because it just wasn't the right time...but we talked about it and called things off...and then started up and called things off...and then started up and called things off...and next thing I knew it was the winter of 1998/1999 and he called me to tell me he loved me and was ready for everything to go somewhere but, on account of how many times he'd already turned his back on it, I just couldn't do it. I invited him over...and it was nice. And then I wanted to kiss him, so I asked him to leave...and I haven't spoken to him since.

I recently ran across him on friendster. We sent a few chatty emails and then he said that he really hates this crap and to call him and my response was that I couldn't cuz I didn't want to pick up that bad habit again. I had no idea that we had let things get so broken that I wouldn't be able to even catch up with him over the phone for fear that it would bring up something that I suppressed a long time ago. However, truth be known, I am quite sure that the whole thing is buried...and he just emailed me his number and I am going to call him later and catch up. First and foremost, before anything got too serious, Max was a really really good friend (yes, I'm talking about you - if you bring this up on the phone, I'll kick your ass). And, when it all comes to a close, good friends are one of the most valuable things that you have.

Now, with this new situation, I'm happy and content. I don't want things to get all serious. I'm not ready to be in love or make a committment or anything like that. I know he's not either. I don't want him to. But I do want to let things take their natural course - if not for the sake of seeing where things go, then for the sake of not making things impossible. He's really a great guy - but if we start on this restrictive roller coaster ride already, where we have to define everything, chances are we won't be friends in the end because someone will get hurt or misunderstood or, as I tend to be, put off and thus totally disinterested. Less likely chance of that happening if people aren't tied to a set of rules about how you're allowed to feel or act or be.

I hope he's reading this. I hope he understands what I'm saying. Perhaps we will end up best friends, and perhaps we will end up something more, but the moment you tell me what I can't be things always take a turn for the worst. I really hope that's not what happened last night. I really hope that this talk was just to get things out in the open but it doesn't change anything. That would just be fuckin' shitty.

fingers crossed,
vette

I couldn't have said it better myself

My friend Tyler tends to put things into words pretty well...and they're usually right along what I'm feeling. Read the 8/30/04 post on his blog and you will know how I feel.

Good fucking grief, Charlie Brown.

Original Post: 8/30/04 11:31 a.m.

Some people are fickle and controlled by emotions that they don't understand which cause them to make irrational and often LAME decisions.

That is all.

********

Addendum: While this post originally did not have anything to do with the situation currently in question, although a situation that is related, I would like to again reference it to tell all of you what kind of day I've had. This really is how I feel today.

Biting my lip & holding my tongue,
Yvette

Invisible boundaries should at least be electrical

I am apparently crossing a line that I didn't know I had crossed. Or, as it was semi-explained to me, I haven't crossed the line yet but it's anticipated that I will so I'm being ushered the other direction in order to avoid it.

What really doesn't make sense to me is how something so nice could turn into something so not nice so incredibly quickly. I mean, quite frankly, yesterday I was having the time of my life - no strings attached even. And, today, I'm told that it's all too much and, quite generally, a mistake. What amazes me is that it didn't even get serious enough for me to have discovered these things on my own. I had to be told them, like some kind of mindless fool who didn't even see what was going on right in front of me. Then again, I'm not sure that I was really aware it was going on at all.

I know - this is vague. Fuck it, I'm tired of sharing details that get me slapped in the face later. I have ALWAYS made it a point to be open and honest and up front about things. And even if I wasn't totally sure of how I felt or where things were going or what was going to happen next, I never stressed myself out of what could happen....that just seems like such a waste. It leave that lingering "what if" that just makes you want to puke on yourself. I hate loose ends. I'm a capricorn, for god's fucking sake. Closure is my middle name.

Anyways, I guess it's obvious that, as a result of a certain conversation this evening, my feather's are ruffled and I'm a bit put off. Somewhere between just wanting to shake my head and angry laughter. Not angry at the other person - moreso angry at myself for allowing myself to get wrapped up in something that inevitably resulted in such motherfucking nonsense.

Oh well, I hear I'm sexy when I sneer. Perhaps I could use this to my advantage in the near future....with someone else of course, so as to avoid further confusion, if that's what it really was. Perhaps being a bit more angry and a lot more detached will work for me. And, if nothing else, it will give me the drive and determination to get up and get the fuck out of here. This place really has nothing for me. Officially nothing at all.

Funny, cuz just today I got told off by someone who I really enjoy hanging out with on account of this situation. She said that she has made the conscious decision not to be around me anymore and that it was a shame, cuz I'm "good people" but that she does not feel like we can carry a friendship forward.

And then tonight.

Talk about kicking a girl when she's down.

Oh well, c'est la vie. I suppose I need to continue along this path to remember how to keep my guard up all the time...cuz I let it down for entirely too many years already.

Yup, Yvette's back on the defensive. Possibly the offensive. Tread lightly.

My feet ARE sexy...haha!

What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part Is	Your Feet
Special Talents Are	Looking Innocent
Quiz created with MemeGen!

But I must say that I like this version better:

What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part Is	Your Eyes
Special Talents Are	Kissing
Quiz created with MemeGen!

goodness

I'm feeling ornery today. No really, I really am.

I'm going to blame this one lack of sleep. Got home from the Curiosa Festival (AWESOME) late last night and then spent another hour and a half telling Nicci all about it. I actually made eye contact with Robert Smith when he was just standing at the front of the stage during the intro to Plainsong. I think I actually stopped breathing when that happened...and he just kind of did that cute little smirk and leaned his head and my insides turned to mush...and after that it was just one big long intense ride. I swear, seeing the Cure live is always like a spiritual experience for me...especially when I'm only 3 people away from him. rawr.

Mogwai & Scarling were good. I am going to have to invest in CD's. Mogwai will be great for rough angry sex...and Scarling good for everything. I love the lead singer, especially when she got all into it and started slapping herself in the face while she was singing. Nice!!

The Rapture....ahhh....they're always AMAZING! I love them!! This was the last show of their tour and it was incredible. Have I mentioned that, every time I see them, the cow bell guy is so entertaining that I can't help but stare?? And the two front men - yummy yummy...and I don't usually have a thing for dorky looking boys.

And Interpol...awe inspiring...powerful...and I'm going to stalk the bass player. haha!!

We didn't see the other 3 groups....entirely too busy inside staking out our 3rd row spot in the pit.

Word of warning: Seeing a band that you love with a boy is risky. I could have melted into him and not even known it. I was in heaven and he was with me and *wow* it's like something mystical happened. Not sure how to explain...just know that I probably got myself into trouble somehow.

Either way - it was one of my best days ever. Partly due to Robert & partly due to the Rapture & partly due to said boy. Yup, I'm in trouble.

I have happened upon blogshares.

Is this like a stockmarket for blogs? This is quite fascinating. I've officially had shares purchase. I believe that I could grow to find this intriguing....especially with my old habit of growing a wee bit obsessive over stocks & bonds. Apparently my friend Tyler's Blog is a real mover. Hmmmm....someone email me with the full scoop!! :)

I've got this feeling in the pit of my stomach

Original Post: 8/27/04
It's not good. Well, it's not bad. I guess it's just leaving it kind of empty. Fact is that I had the realization that I really really like this boy...and, truth be known, I don't think he really really likes me...I think he just really really likes having sex with me. Not that there's anything wrong with that. The kissing and cuddling and EVERYTHING else are fabulous...just a little empty. Leaves a girl kind of wanting more...then again, I don't know that I could handle it. Actually, I know I'm not ready. Don't know that I ever will be. But there's just something missing.

Am I the only one who really misses that feeling I've lost but doesn't dream of ever getting it back?? Am I the only one who has been hopelessly lost in love...but was left just hopelessly lost? Is this a wee bit pathetic? Yeah, think so.

I'm telling you - Sunny 106.9 is going to kill me. When Marilyn is out on leave, it's just me and 97.3...or krzq...or wild 102.9 if I'm feeling a little bit gangsta. Actually, I'm always feeling a little bit gangsta....is it strange to admit that I miss South Central?? It was intriguing and dangerous and exciting...I loved every minute of it.

Damn, need a vacation.

Genuinely jaded,
Yvette

******************
Addendum: I do think this boy really likes me. I do. I just think that we're both in a place where we can't go to that next level. My only question is, would calling him my boyfriend be really that bad?? That doesn't mean that things can't still be just like they are now...I don't want to be moving in together or planning a future or anything...but I would like him to be mine. All mine. I mean, really, all it means is that we aren't seeing other people...and we can still take things one day at a time and see where they go. Who knows.

Oy. Perhaps I shouldn't have taken him to the Cure concert...cuz now I think I'm officially hooked, moreso than I had previously thought I was. grrr.

happy happy happy

yup. yup.

Curiosa Festival tomorrow. Pit tickets. Fabuloso!!

Details to come....

Rawr.

Is it just me or does "Your Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer make everybody want to get it on. I'm going to have to see what a certain boy is doing this evening. hehe

*********************

Later addition - I must simply stop listening to the radio. I'm driving home and *bam* Suck my Kiss by RHCP and do I even need to mention Kiss Me by Stephen Tin Tin Duffy? Goodness - insatiable I tell you.

Been readin'

Dangerous pastime, I know.

Actually, reading old stuff. My life is not near as interesting as it was two years ago in Paradise. Crystal - I miss you!! When are you coming to visit again? Didn't you say September??

And, as much as I hate to admit it, I miss Tiffany too. Even if she did marry Mr. Bozzer who doesn't treat her as well as I think she should be. You know, we got into that argument when she was pregnant and I don't even know her baby's name? I'm a bad friend.

And Andrea and Michelle - god dammit, if I didn't have you guys where would I be? Communication has been bad lately, I know. We've all been in some shit, haven't we? Yowsa.

Anyways, after reading about how much fun I used to have, I have decided to step it up a notch with my current waking life. I need to take risks again and have more adventure. Jeff was always good at bringing out that side of me - spontaneous, adventurous, exciting. Now, I have to remember how to bring all of that out without him. I think that part of me got a little broken.

Back to my original suggestion - skydiving in September. We're going, right????

Oopsie.

Strongly Cautioned. Some material in your journal may be inappropriate to younger or close-minded people. This signifies that your journal is probobly inappropriate for pre-teens. people should be especially careful about adding you because they could possibly be offended. Rough or persistent violent talk is absent; sexually-oriented nudity is generally absent; some talk of drug use may be present from time to time in your journal; You may find a fair amount of sex talk here.
What rating is your journal?
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*************
um....I'm naughty. Woo! **Thanks to d.x. for this quiz** Love your wonderful G rated site. :)

sleepy sleepy sleepy

Went home for lunch and said boy was still there. Almost ended up taking a serious nap during a big fun cuddle session. Had to get up and stretch and run to jamba for a Kiwi Berry Burner with energy. Mmmmm....smoothie w/ginseng. rawr.

Give me 1/2 an hour. I'll be running circles around the office. Well, maybe not, but at least I'll be awake. haha!

Oy. I got run over by a truck last night.

Not really. More like I had a few close encounters with Optimator...and then a kamikaze...and then a 7/Seven....and then a boy. I guess I shouldn't say it like that - it's the same boy...and he brutalized me and so I'm wearing a semi high-cut sweater (you guys know I'm a boob girl - I don't own high neck stuff)...but it was too hot for a turtle neck so I've been trying to keep my barely shoulder length hair over my neck...and it ain't working. And I'm starting to wonder how much sleep I actually got....and I'm thinking it wasn't much. Don't know when we passed out, just know I woke up late and wished that I could just lay in bed and cuddle all day.

So, I'm drinking coffee but it ain't working. Goddamn.

wow - this station has got to go.

I must really not have much to think about these days. The Sign by Ace of Base is on the radio and I found myself whistling along and thinking "shit...haven't we all". haha!!

"I saw the sign and it opened up my mind and I am happy now living without you
I left you - oh oh oh"

yeah - I really like that part....but I do hate this song.

Sunny 106.9 just made me melancholy....damn them.

The song "You Look Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton was on....and I had this flashback to High School. That was the theme of my Senior Prom. Do you know that I cried at my Senior Prom? Come to think of it, I cried at my junior prom too. I should have gone to the Satellite Prom - but there was no boy to take with me....Jeff and I were "working on things" and they just weren't working well enough for us to do something romantic together.

What ever happened to romance? What ever happened to long drives holding hands by the beach and long passionate kisses in the middle of the dancefloor? What ever happened to getting dressed up and going out somewhere special...and suddenly feeling like it's just the two of you there? Have I gotten old or just forgotten? Jeff and I used to make a point to go out all dressed up at least once a month and just have a fabulous night. It was incredible. But now, I get more dressed up for work than I do for dancing. Reno is just a different kind of place, I suppose. Not very romantic...nope, not at all.

I don't care what anyone says.

"This Love" by Maroon 5 is a great song. I can totally relate....from both points of view (oops). I think I am going to have to Karaoke this song. Perhaps, tonight, after spending some time at Social Service I will have to make my way to West 2nd and get spunky.

At least that got "Kiss Me" by Stephen "Tin Tin" Duffy out of my head. I had the dance version of it pounding in my brain....which makes me want to go home and call a certain boy and make out for hours. Glad I was able to pull myself together for a moment there. Whew!

Yvette on Consistency

This is me attempting to make sure that I blog every day. It's been too crazy of a morning to have had any thoughts that didn't have distinct subject matter related to boring nonsense, so I have decided just to put up a post to say hello...and that's about it.

Good Morning.

Just like a woman to change her mind, isn't it??

ANNOUNCEMENT:

Because I have been blogging on another site, I am going to steal the posts and backdate them to fill in the gap. Hopefully, this will provide you with endless hours of reading enjoyment...or something like that.

By the way - just went in and looked at my tracking stats.

Do you know that people actually search for me almost every day? I'm so confused. I do apologize to the people who were really looking for "slutty lingerie" and "05 vette"....but to the person who put in "vette hot mom" and "My Friends Hot Mom Vette" - you rock!! And to all the people who actually search just for "Yvette McMillen" thanks for remembering who I am but, really, why the fuck haven't you emailed me? If you're looking for me - make contact already!! Damn!

....but I'm not demanding or anything.

I've been a bad bad girl.

Well, not really, but it always sounds interesting to start things that way.
Here's the reader's digest condensed version of the last year of my life so that I can move on and start on some new stuff.

November - Jeff Fired
December - Jeff moves out - moves in - Christmas Good, New Year's BAD - Jeff trashes my Birthday, officially split up on Valentine's Day

From there things have taken a different turn. I was going back to LA then I wasn't but I was going in 9 months...then I wasn't....and now I'm just a confused little girl who doesn't really know what life is going to hand her from day to day. The plain truth is that I have given up on making things happen - at this point I am letting things happen...and I like it, dammit.

In other news, Nevin is 4 and he can spell his own name and is enjoying his pre-k class. I made a stupid decision and opted to give notice at the Airport Authority cuz I was moving to LA but cancelled too late and have now found myself temping at Berry-Hinckley - a really large fuel distribution company. I know that all of you are going to find this hard to believe, but just to keep gas prices where they are, gas stations and fuel distributors everywhere are losing money. If they get a penny per gallon, they're doing better than most right now. In fact, one of the largest oil & petroleum companies in California (located in Bakersfield) is permanently closing its doors in October. If you have a car that gets lousy gas mileage, now is DEFINITELY the time to get a new one....just so you know.

Wowser, life has been interesting. Currently, I am finding myself deeply in lust with a 22 year old boy. He's sweet and easy to talk to and we have so much in common it's scary, but we're both recently off of long term relationships, so we're totally incapable of having a commitment. At this point, I'm totally okay with that. In fact, right now, it's perfect. Oh yeah, did I mention he's a hottie and he makes me purr like a kitten? Alright, I'll shut up now. TMI, TMI.

I wonder if anyone even knows that I still have this site up? I must admit, since the invention of myspace, I have found it hard to maintain both. Do you know that your myspace profile has it's own built in blog? It's not this crafty though. haha!

Cheerio.

flashback

...or something like that.

I'm longing for the old days - having a mid 20's crisis of sorts, I suppose. I really would like to go out on a Friday night and get spun out of my mind and dance until dawn and leave, sunglasses on, at 8 a.m. to go to Rocky & Norm's and play with Jason's goatee (sp?) and get a backrub from E.J. and flirt with Norm & Rocky and wish that I was part of a couple as cute as Jesse & Aida and dance around the house with Michelle and Missy and drink beer all afternoon, while making points with Brett and having sideways conversations with Matt and getting more and more fucked up with Camie.....oh yeah, and totally just smiling at Timmy, who feels the need to help everyone all the time and tell you how much he loves you. :) And then the sun would start to get down, and we would exit stage left for the next venue, where E.J. would probably be spinning, and Brett, Matt & I would be capping g & dancing up front while Rocky bobbed his head in the corner, and Michelle danced her ass off with Jesse, who has always had a thing for her but still ended up married to Aida. Where will we go? Smaller? Bigger? Nocturnal Wonderland? Audiotistic? Electric Daisy Carnival? Jujubeats? OnE? Or, the one I wish I hadn't missed, Jesus Raves? haha!

And to Asher...and Stephen...and Thad....and Michelle...and Rocky...and my ex-boyfriend Brian...and great nights in the desert that land us all on a current affair followed by general and candy flipping childishness that lead to a $20 tip at Denny's. *sigh* How great was that? To John Kelly & the rest of the moontribe - I still love you.

And then came the later days, when Andrea started participating....WINTERFRESH!! Bouncing from Jason (on ice skates) to E.J. to DJ W (I love you Dave) and candy flipping and capping g with the boys, in full adidas gear, and driving through snow over the grapevine to the afterparty at Rocky's where EJ recorded the gold tape. Love that tape....but not as much as the purple one.

And then came Tiki....Wild nights Tuesday through Sunday, but I worked as Fuzzy, so it was expected. Spundae, Magic, Release Wednesday, Club SODA, Bump! @ the Pink.....and TIKI - the ultimate private party at TJ Charlyz oceanfront in Hermosa Beach. Do you guys remember the little sexy voice that I would put on for the info line? That was the best!! And hanging with Brandon & Julie (no alcohol - PLEASE) and Timmy G. & the Backstreet Boy and Wade....haha! Oh yeah, and Sean Rubio....damn attractive boy who was always taken....and who spins some mean trance. And Jason - our resident and great kisser - bastard, if you'd have moved when I told you to, everything would have worked itself out (by the way, Jeff heard about that car ride home and was INSANELY jealous - that's why he didn't like me talking to you). :) And Dane Styles, local promoter and egomaniac. And Julie - Rocky's Julie - the hooter's girl turned crack whore. And Kate (K2) - girl - I miss you. Come back from NY!!! And we are still plotting to kill Howie...

And then it all came tumbling down. First Rocky & Norm went separate ways, and Camie got all bulemic & was institutionalized, and little Todd went to jail, and Tera tried to kill me, then Jesse & Aida moved away, and I got pregnant and moved away, and Rocky moved away, and Matt moved away, and EJ got in the accident, and Kris (backstreet boy) went into a coma, and the party was over.

Hmmmm....I remember those days like they were the best of our lives...and yet, they seem to have done in so many of our friends. Perhaps that's why we don't party like we used to. Perhaps that's why I shouldn't. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't give up a whole lot for one last weekend with all of you.....