I'm a loser baby....

Ack.

So, I lowered the number of anytime minutes on my phone from 1100 to 700, because I was only using about 650 a month ever since my nights and weekends moved back to 7 p.m. ...and then I apparently lost my mind.

I still have until October 12th on this billing cycle, and I am already over by 19 minutes. Who the hell have I been talking to?? When did I find time? I was only home all day for one weekday since the 13th of September. Apparently, when I don't have people to physically talk to at lunch, I talk on my phone. Hence, I have 8 days of anytime coming up where I just have to learn to keep my mouth shut until 7:00.

And I've used 95 of my 100 anytime text messages. Shizzat.

This tells me two things.
1) I talk too freakin' much.
2) I need to stop text messaging people while I'm at work.

HELP?! I'm a phone junkie!!

2:00 and all is well

Woke up not as hungover as I expected. Checked my mail and came into some extra money today. Called to verify that this was correct - and, hot damn, it was. Went home at lunch and ate beans 'n weenies w/ Nicci - yum - followed by shots of ginseng (straight!) and rainbow sherbet ice cream cones. Today is just turning into an all around fabulous day. Perfect day for quiz taking, right? So, here's my latest results:

Take the quiz: "How Vain Are You?"

Perfectly Vain
You do take care of yourself, but not to excess. Congratulations on your self-esteem.

Yup - I fuckin' rock.

Cosmic Intervention

(tarot.com)
Capricorn
If you feel comfortable at work now, you can surprise yourself with what you say, even if you had no intention of speaking your mind. It's like your reserved side is temporarily softening and you just tell it as you see it. Perhaps you realize that your point of view is valid enough that you will be rewarded for sharing your perspective. Just don't get too attached to your ideas as others will surely want to modify them.

(astrology.com)
The person you've been dreaming about is right around the corner, and it turns out they've been dreaming about you, too. No fair staying home. Make sure your nest is ready for company, and head out.
******************************

I do speak my mind freely at work...although this makes me wonder what I might be about to say. Oy. Oh well, at least it gets me rewarded instead of fired. haha!!

Oh yeah, and I am SOOOO considering staying home today. I haven't sat on my couch since Sunday afternoon *gasp*. Since then, well, there was the Outback followed by Aleda's and sleep...and then Monday, Aleda & Ethan asked me and Nevin to come to dinner...so we went straight there and then went home to sleep. And Tuesday Nevin was supposed to play with Trevor, but Trevor wasn't home so we went to Aleda's and then came home and went to sleep. And then Wednesday Aleda called me and invited me and Nevin to dinner and then we went to Coconut Bowl and I came home and passed out (oops)....

Really, I should be helping Sarah move tonight. And I might for a little bit, but I'm kind of hung over and I really kind of want to come over after work and eat pork chops and lay down. I'm telling you, in this house, pork chops make the world go round. Yup, this is how we do... well, when we're not eating Steaks or Rosemary chicken or something....but there is something especially tasty about a pork chop fresh off the foreman. Mmmmmm.

Alright, must get ready for work. Enough dilly-dallying already.

always,
Yvette

Since I threw in the towel on our friendship...

This song is for you, Matt.

Now That it's Over - Everclear

Yeah right!
One, two, three, four
Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever is the way you want it to be
Nothing even tastes right now that it's over

Break down, shake for me
Don't write words unless you want me to read them
Nothing really matters now that it's over
Maybe we can be friends
Now that we're older
We can have fun like we did in the early days
Now that it's over

Yeah right!
Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever seems the way it ought to be
Nothing ever seems right now that it's over
Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Maybe we can be closer
We can have fun like we did in the old days
Now that it's over

Oh yeah...
My bad dreams just don't seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for everything you do

My nightmares just don't scare me now
Baby without you, yeah yeah
I wish that I could find the words to tell
In the best way possible, you and your friends to go to hell

Yeah right!
Whoa, breakup time is never easy to do
Nothing ever ends the way you want it to
Nothing seems to make sense now that it's over
Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Yeah, now that you're leaving
You can be nice to me
Maybe I'm dreaming
I am a lot better now than just okay
Maybe I am just wakin' up in my own way
Now that it's over
Now that it's over

My bad dreams just don't seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for all the shitty things you do
Nightmares just don't scare me now
Baby without you
I wish that I could find the words to tell
You to politely go fuck yourself
Yeah, now that it's over...

Ahhh....I feel so much better now. :o)

Today I'm keepin' it bumpin'....

Okay...so i was listening to the way back lunch...and they played Two Occasions by Babyface and I was like - yeah, that's the best love song ever. So, then I went home and put on Blue Jeans by Yasmeen and then Westside by TQ (this was my theme song when I lived in Venice and did my thang...if you know what I mean. Now I'm in the mood to go sing and then dance with some beautiful black brotha all night...or a lovely latin lovah. Yup yup.

Now I know why all my girls, even here in Reno, were shocked that I was chasing a white boy. No offense boys - there's just something about a man with soul that does it for me. Rawr.

**side note: You know, I hate having to link to lyrics all day, but it's hard to find mp3's that you can link to anymore, dammit. Everyone wants you to download their plug in, or just download the song. Why, so you can just upload it somewhere else. Gah!

Daily Star Installment

(tarot.com)
Capricorn
Use your clarity of thought to state your intentions, especially on the job, for Mercury the Communicator is contacting aggressive Mars in your 10th House of Career. You will, however, need to be somewhat careful by keeping some of your opinions to yourself. It just may not be appropriate for you to be as personal at work as you would like. This may be the beginning of a great change in your life as you integrate another level of your own feelings into your current situation.

(astrology.com)
Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, September 29:
You've been worried about a certain higher-up lately because they've just been too darned nice lately. Hey -- maybe they've had a genuine change of heart. Whatever the reason, go with it.

*******************

Haha - funny how I stated my intentions loud and clear two posts ago and now I get a horoscope telling me to do it. I love the little ironies of life.

Secondly, my higher ups love me - has someone been too nice to me? Oh wait, this must be about me being unable to be less than 5 minutes late and Bob not saying anything. Yeah, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut on that one. haha!!!

It's about time that I got a horoscope that wasn't foreboding.

Always,
Yvette

My post counter is stuck

You know how, on your profile, it lists how many posts you have put up? Mine has been at 267 for two days now. Odd....

Just thought I'd share.

Decisiveness Rocks the Casbah

I woke up this morning feeling clarity. Feeling like I'm moving forward again, not stagnating since last week under the weight of this ickiness.

Decisions for the day:

I am going to get my shit together again.
I am going to drink less and smile more.
I am going to finish moving into my house (finally)
I am not going to worry about things that I can't control.
I am not going to go the extra mile for people who don't go the extra mile for me.
I am going to figure out how to get all of my bills paid without Jeff's help.
I am going to watch more netflix.
I am going to stay under my anytime minutes.
I am going to keep in touch with old friends better than I have been.
I am going to be a bit more wary of new ones.
I am going to eat less fast food.
I am going to eat more steak.
I am going to do things for ME.
I am going to call Revelations and get my hair done.
I am going to finally trade in my California license for a Nevada one.
I am going to find a new hobby.
I am going to spend Saturday mornings in the park with my little boy.
I am not going to let him watch the cartoon network anymore.
I am going to make sure my true friends know how much I appreciate them.
I am going to let other people know that I don't.
I am not going to try to be friends with people who obviously aren't concerned.

the end.

Wish me luck - that's a whole lot of shit to do - and a few things to not do. :o)

Yvette

I didn't know it worked

Some people actually got to my blog today because I was one of the 10 most recently updated blogs. Guess there's something to that list after all. :o) I didn't think I'd ever made it on there....

Weird Shit for the Day

Apparently, the end of the world begins tomorrow. Click above to read all about it.

Haha!!

While we're discussing everclear....

Little known fact about me: the song they've done that I relate the most to is Why I Don't Believe in God. It's not that I don't entirely, but possibly not like I should - see, I've lived this song before...except they didn't have to call my school - I was home.

My mom is my best friend now...and the strongest woman I have ever known...but sometimes I know how she felt back then. Sometimes, I wonder if I am her...just in a different time. Except that my dad stuck by her through everything...and the person I thought would do that left me alone. I guess he wasn't the one meant to hold my hand through the tough times. Perhaps no one was meant to hold my hand...I'm just supposed to hold my son and everything will be okay.

Late afternoon wishing....

This is a fact: any boy who can say the words to this song to me and really mean it is the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with. Someone who will actually treat me like I'm special. Someone who will want to take care of me....instead of the other way around, which is the way that it has always been for me. I'm tired of mothering my other halves - I want someone who's going to humor me a little.

Seriously, the girl telling the story in this song could easily be me....assuming that any guy ever came up to me and said all that.

Perhaps some of you don't find it very romantic - but it would honestly make me cry...tears of joy, that is.

Mmmmm....Pumpkins

Of course, I'm referring to the Smashing Pumpkins. Haven't listened to Siamese Dream in quite some time...and I popped it in today and remembered why I love them so so very much.

Go read the lyrics to Hummer. It's my song of the day.

Change, Now it's time for Change....

Goodness. I feel like I'm going through this major transition this year. Everything has changed... my whole life as I knew it.

As of this year I am:

A single mother who isn't receiving child support
Living in Nevada
Working somewhere that is NOT a government agency
I am having to make new friends, since I moved away from all of mine
I am not getting to see my family regularly
I have turned off my home phone, and live via cell
I've started drinking caffeine again
I smoke in the evenings...which I hadn't done since 1999
I'm drinking more often
I'm dating...and it's scary

If you read the archives, this is an absolute 180 degree turn from where I was. Some days I really like how it feels. Some days, it really kind of freaks me out and I just want everything to be how it used to be.

This is one of those days.

Nevin is sad. He wants his dad to come and visit. His dad has decided to go back to school and is bartending to make just enough money to get by and hasn't seen Nevin since Father's day. I honestly don't think that he will see him until Christmas if I don't get it in gear and take him down to Los Angeles. I want to go down there anyone, but I don't want to have to be the facilitator. It is not my responsibility to ensure that Jeff has a relationship with his son - it's Jeff's. And, for as much as I love him, I feel like I'm enabling him to be a bad dad if I keep putting the best foot forward for him.

I don't know how this whole single parent thing works...My parents have been married for 29 years, together for 33....this is just unfamiliar territory for me. And now I've got to make everything legal, and fill out custody paperwork and child support paperwork and I find it all very intimidating. Yeah, I think that's definitely the best word for it. One badly worded paragraph could mean volumes....and that's just overwhelming...but I can't afford a lawyer.

*sigh* Everything will be okay. I'm just going to sit here and sip on my mocha frappuccino and not worry....even though I could really use a cigarette...but I reserve that for night time.

The Daily Cosmic Update

You Capricorns must love this - who needs to go to any other website when you can read your horoscope here??? :oP j/k

(tarot.com)
Capricorn
The next couple of weeks mark a period when your mind will be more focused on your professional life and work activities. Even if you aren't part of the work force, Mercury in your Solar 10th House can still increase your concerns about the outer world as you become more involved with community or global issues. This is a good time to make plans and to fill in the details on your calendar.

(astrology.com)
Outwardly, you're oozing confidence from every pore, concerned only with your career, responsibilities and reputation. On the inside, however, your feelings are threatening to take over. Try to find a balance
****************************

The first one was so good. What I don't understand is why the second one had to make me sound like I'm about to be a big wussie girl again. Truth be told, right now, I am only concerned with my career. Actually, I am concerned with yesterday's job interview. The job title, officially, is Administrative Secretary at the Department of Water Resources. Yup, I'd be someone's bitch. However, it starts at $18.37/hr, and for a single mom who didn't finish her college degree, that's a wet dream. And, it's yet another government job so I'll get all of my PERS benefits back. I have only been employed by someone other than the government since the first week of August, and it hurts - bad.

So, I had the first interview yesterday and I THINK it went remarkably well...but that remains to be seen. They will be calling us by the end of the week to schedule 2nd interviews or just thank us for coming. We will see how that works out. Hopefully, they want to see me again. *crosses fingers*

I guess, in comparison, all of the other stuff in my life seems trivial right now. I need to be taking time to make sure that I'm taking care of shit for me and my son, not just sitting around being all weepy and worthless. *sigh* It's really all about keeping my brain busy. I swear it.

But, as far as the other situation goes - I think I have decided that I do want to be friends with this cat. Perhaps fate did not intend for us to pursue a relationship - but we have this amazing ability to talk about anything and understand each other rather well....and because those people are so rare, keeping him around might not be such a bad idea. Now, I just know not to hand my heart to him unless I want it thrown back at me or stomped on in the process.

That wasn't very nice, was it?

Oy. I'm going to go and get ready for work....like I should have been 20 minutes ago.

always,
me

Song of the Day - 9/26/04

Black Cadillacs - Modest Mouse

And it's true we named our children
after towns that we've never been to.
And it's true that the clouds just hung around
like black Cadillacs outside a funeral.

And we were done, done, done
with all the fuck, fuck, fuckin' around.
You were so true to yourself.
You were true to no one else.
Well I should put you in the ground.

I've got the time, I got the hours,
I got the days, I got the weeks.
I could say to myself
I've got the words but I can't speak.
Well I was done, done, done
with all the circ, circ, circlin' round.

I didn't die and I ain't complainin'.
I ain't blamin' you.
I didn't know that the words you said to me
meant more to me than they ever could you
I didn't lie and I ain't sayin'
I told the whole truth.
I didn't know that this game we were playin'
even had a set of rules.

We named our children after towns
that we've never been to.
And it's true that the clouds just hung around
like black Cadillacs outside a funeral.
And we were laughing at the stars
while our feet clung tight to the ground.
So pleased with ourselves
for using so many verbs and nouns.

But we were all still just dumb, dumb, dumber
than the dirt, dirt, dirt on the ground.
Well wings on flames, kings with no names,
well this place just ain't got right air right now.
You were so all over town but still so Crayola brown.
Well you should run 'round yourself right now.
And we were done, done, done
with all the fuck, fuck, fuckin' around.
Circlin' round.

I'm a fool...a fool, I say

I just keep sitting at my desk. Every CD I put in makes me cry. The radio makes me cry. I am incredibly too emotional. Someone kill me.

I'm sure I'll be better in a few days.

I have not been dwelling while at work, but tears keep seeping out. Grrr. It makes me so angry. It's like I broke some kind of dam and now I just cry all the time....like that episode of friends where Rachel tells her boyfriend that he should cry...and then he cries for days and drives everyone insane. Yup, that's me. I don't even make sense anymore. I'm a dork.

But really, I want to know why.

Last week I was falling in love with someone. Now I'm falling out. Is that so bad?? I think that, perhaps, it's the fact that I feel as though I'm losing a good friend on account of all of it. Then again, was he really a good friend if he broke my heart like that? Perhaps not....but then again, sometimes the best of intentions...you know the saying.

GAH!

Beyond Fitting

(astrology.com)
Here is your horoscope for Monday, September 27:
Getting emotional isn't a sign of weakness. Keep that in mind if you try to surreptitiously dab a tear or two. You can be choosy when it comes to sharing those feelings, but do share them. It's time.
***************
If you know me you know that a)this is true and b)I cried all day yesterday...until the beer kicked in...and then the steak. Mmmmm. And yes, I do hate being vulnerable and I do think I was just acting like a blubbery wussie bitch...but I'll get over it.

(tarot.com)
Capricorn
You are so fully charged up and ready to go that whatever comes your way on the work front can be taken in stride. In fact, you'll be so raring to go over these next few weeks with Mars energizing your 10th House of Career that you might not even wait for things to come your way. Don't push so hard that you forget there are others working with you.
*************
Guess it's pretty damn lucky that I had the great big scary county panel interview and test today. I did so good!! They LOOOOVED me....well, I hope they did. I will know by the end of the week if they are going to call me back for a 2nd interview....so we will just have to wait and see. *crosses fingers and toes* yes, please!

Thank you....no, really, I mean it

Thanks for all the nice things that you guys have to say - whether it's in the comments or via email. It is absolutely amazing just how awestriking something that a total stranger says to you can be.

You guys rock! And keep the comments coming - I love hearing what you have to say!!

Comedy

Last night I signed up for the DailyOM. I thought that perhaps they would send me peaceful thoughts for the day that would help me to relax.

Instead, this morning, they sent me an article on the act of primal screaming and how it helps to get rid of tension. Goodness. I don't know if I'm ready for all that. Although I have heard it is therapeutic.

I went to college at USC and during finals week they would have "Primal Scream Time" in the dorms. And at a designated time every night, people were invited to just scream their bloody heads off for like half an hour...and it was usually good for a laugh and then everyone could go back to studying. Perhaps if my neighbors were also primal screamers, I could join in. But seeing as they're rather quiet, it doesn't seem like such a good idea. haha!!

You know what gets me???

Trust.

People who already know me, know that I'm not the quickest to trust a person. I believe that trust is something that is earned, not freely given. Occassionally, I make mistakes. Sometimes, my judgment is overthrown by cosmic flashes of kismet...and so far, all of these have been wrong.

I realize that the below comment was harsh. But it's how I felt at that moment, and I don't regret saying it at all. However, what makes me sad about the situation is that Matt was someone that I considered to be a true friend, not just someone I was sleeping with in my spare time or making out with on occassion. I thought that he was someone I could really open up to and really talk to and that I really had a connection with...

I was mistaken.

I did talk to him after I left the post below. There is a part of me that wants to be friends with him. That understands that he's young and not ready for a real relationship - especially not one with a kid involved - and that he has a lot of learning to do. However, there is a bigger part of me that just can't understand how someone who calls themself your friend could totally rip your heart out and stomp on it and expect you to want to talk to them tomorrow. I guess the proper phrase would be that I am torn.

I wrote a little something. I call it Everything you Gave Me.

I gave you a little piece of me
something to hold on to
a key to my heart and my soul
And in return you gave me laughter
and listened to me cry
and then you took your toll
But I gave you the benefit of the doubt
and all you gave in return
Was a list of reasons to doubt you
and tears that made my eyes burn
Now I sit here in the dark
angry and somewhat jaded
Wondering why it is
that your memory hasn't yet faded
Why I spoke to you today
and felt the anger dissipate
And just turn into sadness
what an ugly twist of fate
Now everything you gave me
doesn't compare to what you took
And I'm discarding the last chapter
and just starting a new book
And I don't know if you'll be in it
but you might just get a dedication
Cuz sometimes pain and anger
can be the greatest inspiration
To pursue a life of happiness
while walking your path alone
And moving quickly towards success
without a fear of the unknown
Without needing someone to hold your hand
or reassure you when you're scared
And doing all those crazy things
that you never would have dared
And blazing new trails that lead you away
from the past and all the lies
Perhaps there is some credit due
to rather heartbreaking goodbyes.

- Yvette McMillen 9/26/05

Update on this whole stupid Matt issue

You will never have to read about "said boy" again....know why?

Because after our first falling out, he started fucking a 20 year old and didn't even have the balls to tell me.

I hope it falls off.

I'm going to listen to some terribly angry music right now and get him out from under my skin.

I hope to God that he is smart enough never to ever try to speak to me ever again.
That would certainly be in his best interest.
Bastard.

meaning every word of it and hope he's reading,
moi

*******************
This, of course, is just my first reaction....so it's angry. I'll be hurt and sad later. I cried a little, but I'll get over it.
Yvette

(tarot.com)
Capricorn
It just isn't easy for you to relinquish control. You will, however, come out ahead if you can just ease the restrictions on yourself. Someone is coming into your life who will be important to you. They recognize your potential and are encouraging you to do something that you've been uncertain about. You're going to have to make a conscious decision to relinquish some control. Let go and listen.

(astrology.com)
Here is your horoscope for Sunday, September 26:
You'll be inspired to remember someone or something from the past -- but you may not be seeing it as it really was. Confine yourself to fond memories -- with witnesses who can verify your take on things

Here is your single's love horoscope for Sunday, September 26:
Use your creative talents to attract someone. Even if you think your skills are modest, your writing, music or art will leave a big impression -- it's more the effort that counts.
****************************************

I would have to say that the tarot.com horoscopes always hit closer to home than the bottom ones. Nonetheless, I woke up with a certain sadness dwelling over me. As far as the top horoscope - someone who means a lot to me DID come into my life and see my potential and has been encouraging me to go back to school and do something for myself for a change....cuz I'm not far from a degree in Business Administration.

It's strange - I honestly believe that we do both want to be with each other, but just can't right now because he has ex issues. And I thought that I could wait for him to get past it, but I guess I got impatient and made a blubbering idiot out of myself on Wednesday night and he has now told me that he doesn't think we should hang out for a while. I guess it hurts more than it ordinarily would because Matt quickly became one of my closest friends here. I've told him things that I just don't tell people - I could talk to him forever. He made me laugh, even when I was having a bad day. And always knew right when I needed him. He was amazing. I guess those things would make it easy to fall for anyone...but I knew I shouldn't and should have stuck with it. Now, I'm just hoping that we can be good friends still, in spite of everything else that has happened. But I guess that's up to him - he just doesn't feel like he can talk to me for a while. :(

I've got to go make some breakfast. I'm starving this morning. Probably because I slept for almost 12 hours.

always,
Yvette

This is for you....you know who you are.

when I look inside myself
I never see the same thing twice
one day I'm cruel and unforgiving
and then uncharacteristically nice
and I search for the best words
to tell you all of my thoughts
and they still come out all wrong
leaving my soul tied up in knots
now the sentiment is just cloth
to wipe the tear stains from my glasses
as I wait here in uncomfortable silence
until the darkness passes
it seems that I have managed
to bring all my fears to fruition
and it all could have been avoided
if I'd just gone with my intuition
so now I'm just hoping to hear
your laughter through the phone
and to see you gently smile
and not feel quite so alone
for I have given you a key
that was always tightly guarded
perhaps if I'd have kept it
I wouldn't feel so broken hearted
yet I just can't seem to imagine
watching another day end
without ironing out the wrinkles
and moving on as friends.

- Yvette McMillen 9/25/04

Horrorscopes.

Yes, they are starting to frighten me.

(tarot.com)
Capricorn
It often feels like the same set of issues return again and again. Now you are ready to share what you have been keeping inside. You are not, however, just blabbing on to hear yourself talk. It's your job to keep things on the straight and narrow. Make sure that whatever feelings you are revealing, you keep focused on what's happening inside your mind and in your body. Just be kind as you tell it like it is.

(astrology.com)
Here is your horoscope for Saturday, September 25:
If you can get through today without getting overwhelmed, you can get through anything -- and you should be able to work out a tricky situation fairly quickly. Keep that in mind while you're waiting for an answer to your quixotic email.

Here is your single's love horoscope for Saturday, September 25:
A successful romantic encounter may leave you with daydreams of future bliss. The daydreams are a lot of fun, but don't assume that they'll come true -- at least not without a bit of struggle first.

****************

I don't think that there is anything that needs to be said about these. Anyone who knows me and knows what's going on right now knows that these are quintessentially true and that sucks.

Fabulous Lyric for the Day

Snippet from "You're so Last Summer" by Taking Back Sunday

And all I (all I)
Need to know (need to know)
Is that I'm somethin you'll be missin
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that...
I'd never lie to you
Unless I had to
I'll do what I got to
Unless I had to
I'll do what I go to, the truth
is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I'd apologize for bleedin on your shirt"

Hooray for Company Picnics!!

So, I went to the Company Picnic & much fun was had. And, in the end, I went home with a $50 gift certificate to the Outback and Nevin went home with a little talking Simba. And the margaritas and food were good...although I only had two margaritas. The park is awesome - if you're in the Reno area, go to Lazy 5!!

Yay!

always,
me

I am freakin' amazing

So, I did something tonight that I haven't done in a long time. I stayed out until 4 a.m. and had only 1 drink and a bazillion bottles of water. First, we wandered around downtown (Aleda & Will & I) and then took a cab to Mr. O's to hang with Nicci and Alisa...which led to us all piling into Nicci's car and going to Satellite...which led Aleda, Will & I leaving cuz it was too hot and crowded and going to Vino to hear Matt Diablo spin the 80's (Nicci and Alisa showed up later). It was incredible. I danced to Matt Diablo until Vino closed at 3 a.m. and apparently he knew I was having a wonderful time because he thanked me for coming. *swoon* Yeah, don't I wish I had a chance in hell with that one. You guys all know that I have a soft spot for dj's....

It's funny - our prior encounter, over the phone, was just bad. He called me a fag hag and I called him curious. It was terrible. But there was just this cool connection tonight. And I made a couple of requests - one was even a song that he had played before we got there - and he played it again and did that cute little japanese gesture - hands together, head bow to you - when I thanked him for playing it. And every single song he played I knew all of the words too...and it was just so awesome I couldn't stop moving. It's like, musically, we were totally on the same wave length. This is soooo my new Friday night spot.

I was so upbeat and lively all night....although I did have a weak moment where I texted a certain boy and told him that I wished he was there. I know he's not talking to me, but I was having so much fun and knew that he would just be smiling and laughing too....We were in the middle of Virginia street(since it's blocked off all weekend), somewhere between Satellite and Vino having the funniest conversation, and I just wanted to hear him laugh. I really like hearing him laugh. It makes me happy. *sigh* Instead, I just went and dance the melancholy off. I still had Float On stuck in my head because it was the last song Andrew played when I left Satellite, and somehow that song makes me feel like everything will really be okay.

If something is meant to be, it will work itself out. I just have to have faith.

always,
me

I'm feeling it today...and, for a change, I like how it feels

Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day,
to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.

Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well float on maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The days get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.


I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.

The World at Large - Modest Mouse

Creative License

So, I track my blog. I've fessed up to this already.

However, I have noticed that a certain someone who I just had a falling out with hasn't read this since last Saturday. Either that or he's using the link on my myspace page to get here - which would suck, cuz then I wouldn't know if he was reading it. I'd be lacking IP address. Yes, I know his IP address. Chances are, I know yours too. At this point, there are 4 people that I know exactly who they are by their random set of numbers and isp. I'm know I'm weird. Leave me alone.

So, anyway, I am wondering if this means that I can write more freely on here because I'm not worried about his possible misinterpretations? Or if I should keep that stuff slightly vague still, so that when he does read this, I won't feel like an overexposed jackass.

Thoughts???

Thank you, Franz.

Franz Ferdinand wrote this song just for the situation I'm in. He did. He did.

Swallow, Smile

I rise and curse the waking day
Curse the grime and curse the stains on the air
And on the skin of the bed I'm tied within
Hiding from the twitch and crash
Of the mood I hear you hatch
You're the mother growing cold
You're the bath now running old
I can feel the wall between us separate the filthy scene
As I push the door aside - swallow, swallow, swallow, smile

I wander round the gulf between us
Wonder how I came to feel as fragile as a broken bone
As useless - I'm a broken bone
Come on let's fight let's feel alive
Come on let's fight let's feel alive
It's the only feeling I've kept towards you
That resembles any passion, any tremble, any word,
I'll take and turn it, twist and pissed-on, I'll return it
Give me more, give me, I'll swallow, swallow, swallow, smile

But it's alright, I lie
It's alright, here's another lie

And yet it's right every other day....did I miss something yesterday?

Capricorn:
You Goats are generally an ambitious lot. Now with Jupiter in your 10th House of Career for the year ahead, you stand to reap the harvest from the seeds you've sown and tended over the years. This is a time of fruition, but it is not without its stress. Even if you do receive promotions or other recognition at work, you'll need to find a healthy balance between your long-term goals and your immediate emotional needs. Don't ignore the softer and more vulnerable side of life. All work and no play makes Cappy an unhappy Goat.

Here is your horoscope
for Friday, September 24:
More independence? More individuality? You bet. Even if you've never considered yourself a radically independent type, you'll be seen that way now. Don't fight it. Enjoy it. It's who you are!

Here is your single's love horoscope
for Friday, September 24:
If your plans for wooing someone haven't quite succeeded, a change in strategy might be worth considering. Don't feel that you need to make wholesale changes -- only minor shifts may be necessary.
******************

I don't know what to say. It's pretty dead on today.

Current life update: I was right - said boy does not want to talk anymore. Fabulous, huh? Oh well, I've been heartbroken before - it was bound to happen anyway.

As far as the other stuff - well, my career is moving forward. I have an interview on Monday at Washoe County for a position that pays $4.37/hr more than I make right now. It's every single mom's wet dream. However, I do have a tendency to use work to fulfill me so that I don't have to worry about the vulnerable aspects of life. I mean, I made myself all vulnerable on Wednesday and you see where it got me - freakin' nowhere. So, I'm attempting not to wallow or cry or be wimpy about it and just get over it....but it's not working.

My friend Ray is coming to visit this weekend. Perhaps he can help save me from my pity party.

always,
Yvette

New Indie Band that I Love

The Local Division. Can't find them on the net....dammit. The websites for their record company (intravenousrecords.com) and their website (www.thelocaldivision.com) are both under construction. They're an LA Club band and you can listen to one of their songs on MySpace Music.

I have decided that the song Stroke of Genius is about me. It's my new song. Take a listen, dammit. :o)

Yvette

sheesh

When I originally started blogging, it was an alternative to the stacks of paper journals that I had lying around my house. Quite frankly, I was running out of places to put them and the pages were falling out of some from being flipped through and reread and contemplated. So, I decided to keep my history here - to later be able to look back on and reflect on my journey and see what I learned and how I have grown.

Lately, I have spent a lot of time reading my archives. From this I have determined a few things about myself:

1) I am too persistent for my own good. I lock myself into ideas and I go for it...to the bitter dying end...and then I still persist until I am forced to stop.
2) I love deeply and am loyal to a fault
3) I have an issue with trusting other people. The people who I sincerely trust are few and far between - but I would trust them with my life. I assume most other people have hidden agendas.
4) I am more vulnerable on paper than I ever allow myself to be in real life. In writing, I can express what is in my heart - things that my mouth would ordinarily not let out.
5) I am very contradictory. My posts tend to be contemplative and contain both sides - my head and my heart - which often conflict with each other. Most of this I write for the sake of being able to reread and see both sides of the coin - to give myself clarity. Most of these things are not intended to communicate my thoughts to others, but rather to myself, and that is why there are plenty of posts that appear vague and/or lacking fine details.
6) I am more emotional than I give myself credit for.
7) I work harder to make other people happy than I do to make myself happy.
8) I really am beautiful on the inside....regardless of the changes in my shell.

Food.....

I can hold it down now - and oh how I love it.

It was me and a box of wheat thins and a lot of water earlier. But then, for lunch, I ventured to Super Burrito and got the Chicken Super Burrito...and while I've had to nibble so it's taking me forever to eat, it is sitting so nicely and making that dizzy sick feeling go away.

Unfortunately, the sound of my keyboard when I type makes my head hurt...so I'm going to stop now. Perhaps I can try this again later. :)

*smooches*
vette

NO NO NO NO NO

Song of the Day: The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

I am not posting my horoscope today. You know why? Cuz it's wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

It said something about how people would envy the kind of great day I was having. That was just a lie.

For starters, I made an ASS out of myself last night. A friend told me that sometimes it's okay to cry ...which is something that I do, but rarely and never in front of other people. Well, last night, the dam broke and I totally cried in front of him - ABOUT HIM no less - and I wouldn't be surprised if he never spoke to me again.

And I was pretty lit. So, you know how when you cry really hard your stomach gets all messed up? Well, my stomach got all kinds of messed up...and then I was sick.

And then I was sick 5 times this morning....and then I was an hour late for work cuz I couldn't stop puking. I apparently don't handle being emotional very well....nor being drunk.

And no one has any reason to be jealous of the kind of day I'm having.

No, not at all.

In fact, given a choice in the matter, I would go home and sleep until tomorrow.

The End.

William, it WAS really nothing....

Is it just me or does this song make everybody feel all better? Yes, this town has dragged you down...and so what if the fat girl doesn't care about anyone or dream about anything...except herself. It was nothing...really...nothing.

The Smiths lyrics were always pure genius - the tongue in cheek stylings of Moz & crew were nothing short of amazing.

Who is going to go see Morrissey with me? Or at least come over and watch My Life with Morrissey with me???


"...and everybody's got to live their life and god knows I've got to live mine..."

If this isn't true, I might cry.....nah....just wallow a little

Capricorn (tarot.com)
Today you won't be satisfied to simply fulfill your responsibilities in the outer world. You are seeking deeper meaning. You want to get to the bottom of something that has been on your mind for a while. And you can do it now, but you'll need to be more diplomatic than usual. If you go directly for the mother lode of meaning, you can inadvertently scare others away. Slow and steady will win your race.

(astrology.com)
Here is your horoscope
for Wednesday, September 22:
It's storming all around except where you are. How is that possible? If you weren't such a rock, you might be involved in the intrigue and hidden agendas that those around you are currently dealing with.

Here is your single's love horoscope
for Wednesday, September 22:
Your legs may be sore from all the hoops you've been jumping through to earn someone's attention, but the efforts will at last be rewarded. Enjoy the fruits of your labor.
*********************

Well, it appears that today I may get some resolve. Everything has quit hanging heavy on my mind. I am having faith today that everything in my life will work out the way that it is intended to. And, remarkably, I woke up with Wonderful by Adam Ant playing in my head and a deep, calming peace that settled me to the very core of my being.

Suddenly, all feels well...even if it isn't. And, Thank God, Aleda's home...so I can take Nevin to play this evening and feel even more worry free....but perhaps over a bottle of Chardonnay. :o)

It's Morning Again

I woke up with this song going through my head. I'm quite sure I know why. I didn't think that I felt this way - but my subconscious often speaks much louder than my waking thoughts ever could.

Wonderful by Adam Ant

Did I tell you how much I miss
Your sweet kiss?
Did I tell you I didn't cry?
Well I lied
I lie lie lied
Over real over
When I nearly hit the face I loved
So tired of packaging the anger
Always pushing you away

Did I tell you you're wonderful?
I miss you yes I do
Did I tell you that I was wrong?
I was wrong
Cuz you're wonderful yeah

Did I tell you how much I miss
Your smile?
Did I tell you I was okay?
Well no way
No way way way
Over real over
When I nearly hit the face I loved
So tired of packaging the anger
Always pushing you away

Did I tell you you're wonderful?
I miss you
yes I do
Did I tell you that I was wrong
I was wrong
Cuz you're wonderful yeah yeah
You're wonderful yeah yeah

Now now now each and every day
I realize the price I have to pay
You you're wonderful
And now for your information
I'm walking around like an arm decoration

You you're wonderful
So high I can't get over it
So deep I can't get under it
You
You're wonderful yeah
You're wonderful yeah yeah
You're wonderful yeah yeah
You're wonderful yeah yeah
Wonderful

Did I tell you you're wonderful?
I miss you yes I do
Did I tell you that I was wrong?
I was wrong
For so long long long

Did I tell you you're wonderful?

You know, this song is incredibly special to me - so to, in a sense, dedicate it to someone is really powerful. When I moved away to college, my friends & family all put together a power point presentation that came on the first time I turned on my computer. It played to this song and each page was a special message from someone different about what I had meant in their life and how much they were going to miss me, despite any animosity surrounding the fact that I was leaving. Too bad that computer got stolen...but I bet my dad still has a copy somewhere.....

Anyways, there's a certain someone who knows what I'm thinking and that, really, this song is for him today. I'm sure of it.

Now THIS is what I call a classic

How is this for capturing a moment in history? Marilyn Manson and Mandy Moore hugging. AWESOME!!

Ay...muy interesante

Curiosity got the best of me again, and when astrology.com sent me a planetary update, I ended up getting my Karmic Love Report. It was very interesting. It says that there is someone who has been put in my life to teach me how to be vulnerable and patient and that they will show me what true love is, as opposed to love I have been show on the past, where I always was in the controlling position, never truly vulnerable, never learning humility and patience and how to truly be appreciated.

Wow, that would be really really nice. I think it would be comforting to be vulnerable for a change....but only with someone who I could really trust with my innermost thoughts once I gave them the key to the door. Honestly, there is someone who I recently told some of my deep dark secrets...and a lot of feelings that I just don't share with someone. The question is whether or not that was the right thing to do on my part. It felt right at the time, so it couldn't have been all bad. In fact, it still feels right. And that is kind of scary, actually. Maybe I'll give this some thought later....

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but...

Apparently drinking a red bull and vodka won't make you dance any longer than doing straight shots. Doh!

Song of the Day

Earlier, I thought it was going to be Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now by the Smiths but, after spending the morning contemplating my life and my direction and being more selfless and less selfish...I have a new one.

Yup - Song of the Day is: One Chance by Modest Mouse.

But I'm definitely working towards Ocean Breathes Salty.

By the end of the day, though, it will definitely be Float On - much lighter hearted.

Nicci was right, this CD is totally talking to me today. GOOD CALL! I'll go charge Death Cab tomorrow.

squeak squeak squeak squeak

I am wearing this fabulous pair of Chinese Laundry shoes (you will find that most of my shoes are Chinese Laundry, Mudd, Bongo, or Nine West). I love them dearly, but they are squeaking. Gah.

As long as I don't walk, they're fabulous. Is this what happens to 3 year old Chinese Laundry shoes? They still look great but...goodness...stupid fake leather.

That's it, back to the expensive shoes. Where are my Manolo's when I want them? Oh yeah, I gave them to Amey cuz I was bored with them. Yeah, I know, I'm a fool. On second thought - where's the nearest Wild Pair or Steve Madden? Oh screw that - I'm going to Folsom on my first available date. October 2nd it is.

Horoscope anyone?? (Adriana - these are for us!)

Capricorn (tarot.com)
It's a time for opportunity to knock at your door, but it may be difficult for you to follow a new course of action. You are emotionally hunkering down now. Practicality rules the roost. Even if you do feel good about the potential in front of you, there is also caution. Make sure to acknowledge the possible pitfalls or potential obstacles. Trust your instincts and you will succeed.

(astrology.com)
Here is your horoscope
for Tuesday, September 21:
Relationships, relationships and -- oh, yeah -- relationships. It's all about the personal touch these days, whether that means friends, sweeties or coworkers. Focus on getting to know them -- all about them.

Here is your single's love horoscope
for Tuesday, September 21:
Your high ideals serve you well. The consistency you've shown in dealing with a suitor leaves a deep impression. You've proven that you're not to be taken lightly -- it's quite charming.
******************

Well, from the sounds of things, life is getting back to normal with one exception - I'm building new relationships - friendships (lots), coworkers (lots), sweeties? I freakin' wish....although there is one that has definite potential...but that's down the road.

I also find my love horoscope interesting. In 1998 Jeff told me that the thing that attracted him to me the most was that I was unfailing. I would make my mind up about something and stick to it. I was generally commanding, bordering on bitchy, taking control of my life and my situation and not letting anyone else f@$% is up for me. I do have high ideals and attempt to always approach them with consistency. Interesting that someone else is now finding this side of me charming. I always thought it was one of the more brash aspects of my personality - but if I softened it up any, I just wouldn't be me. For God's sake, I'm a Capricorn. Being stubborn and steadfast is just bred into me. But that Gemini Rising, well it smudges the lines sometimes.

Hmmm...something to contemplate as the day passes.

ever and always,
me

Accents

In 1998 I picked up a Jersey accent. Recently, it has been resurfacing - a lot.

I find that I pick up accents easily. Heaven forbid I'm around someone from the south - ack! I do pick up the sweetest southern drawl...

But for real, I have a bit of an accent obsession. Doesn't everyone have some kind of accent that they find sexy? I love Brooklyn accents and anything Slavic - especially Russian. Perhaps this goes back to my obsession with the Mob and organized crime in general. haha!!

What accent do you find sexy? I simply must know!!

Know this

My son is the biggest, most important part of my life. I wake and I breathe every day for him. I don't have time to be selfish and petty because I have to take care of him and provide a life for him. He is number one - always.

Yesterday, I thought that a certain friend of mine was knocking hanging out with my son. And you know, it just hit me in a bad bad place. I was ready to tell this person that I hated him and wanted him to die.

But that's what I hate about email. How can you really know what someone is saying - ever? There's no inflection, no tone. Something sarcastic or lighthearted or in jest can be taken totally seriously and there's just no way to stop it. It's like a freight train out of control - you read it and you get that feeling in your gut and you just can't stop it. Who has time to wait to react until after you've emailed the person and been like "did I read that correctly?" Gah. So, of course, add another wrinkle and tear to the blanket that is our friendship, cuz Yvette didn't react so well. In fact, I pretty much point blank told him that I thought it was for the best if he wasn't around much anymore. Nice, huh?

After reading what he wrote, I sent an apology of sorts. I apologized for misunderstanding him, and thus him getting that reaction. But, I wanted him to know why. So I explained why I reacted the way I did and why I freaked out. I also explained to him that we do well over the phone - that we can talk for hours and hours - and that maybe we should stick to that - because we have had more than one internet misunderstanding.

And I guess I HAVE kind of freaked out on him lately. Honestly, I have. It's just been one thing after the next, and I can't help but feel grateful that he's put up with it. It's like, things in my life have just exploded and, yes, I have been hurled into an early midlife crisis. Actually, I'm almost 27 so I'm pretty much on schedule - seems that's when everyone I know hit their midlife crisis (which doesn't say much for the length of our lives but....). Suddenly I'm at this impasse. And my brain is a whirlwind of thoughts. When I wake up, it starts something like this:

I'm a single mom now. I'm tired. I need to go back to school. I need to get a better job. I need to take Jeff to court for Child Support & to get full Legal Custody & arrange SUPERVISED visitations. Dad called and wants to discuss the paperwork and meet with this lawyer....Jeff called and quit his job and won't be paying child support, not that he was anyway....A friend called and wants to go out...I can't afford a babysitter but I need the headspace, so I'll just charge gas in my car so that I can pay a sitter....I've been drinking too much because I don't know what else to do....I have a crush on a guy who is wonderful to me but isn't ready for a relationship....I have 3 male friends who are better to me than any guy I've ever dated and yet I'm not attracted to any of them because I'm a fool....but since no one is ever going to want to marry into an instant family, they can be my family for many years to come....Found a chick that I relate to so well it's uncanny and our sons are best friends and she's moving away....My son is losing his mind because his father hasn't visited him since Father's Day when he left him crying at the playground....My son has been a handful, cuz he doesn't know how to handle everything that's going on in his life....I have more bills to pay than I have $$$ right now....I need a vacation....I'm NOT going to cry - Yvette doesn't cry....Suck it up, detach yourself, here we go.

I cried last night though. I called up my friend Ray and just let the tears roll, all broken hearted and stressed. I really think some days that I'm losing my mind - like this is more than I can handle. My mother always told me that God never gives us more than we can handle - and if that's truly the case, I am one amazing broad. Yet, I somehow still feel like I'm sinking. I wish there was just one constant person in my life in Reno. Everyone here fluctuates. Everything is great one day and blah the next and people come and go in cycles. I wish there was one person here who was that best friend who put their hand out and walked with me through all this. I thought I had found him....but I don't know if he's still up for the position - although I kind of wish he was.

better go get ready for work.
yvette

My soul feels still and quiet