I am absolutely losing my mind.
Nevin's emotional outbursts have gotten worse and more frequent. I had to take him out of school. He was throwing terrible tantrums and getting sent home from school because he was hoping they would call his dad when he got to the office. Of course, since he doesn't even live in the same state, they were calling me to come and get him cuz he was out of control....so it totally put my job on the line, cuz this happened 3 times last week...not to count the times before. He's really upset - he says that he has a secret about his dad. When I asked him what it was, he told me that his dad didn't love him anymore. I tried to explain that his dad does love him and that his dad is just making bad choices right now, but it's hard to convince a 4 year old of something you're not even sure that you believe.
I hit stress maximum on Saturday. I called my parents to ask if they could take him for a while because I just don't have the support system here and he can't go to school anymore (at least it's just preschool) but my dad isn't in a position to do it right now cuz he's prepping for back surgery.
So, I cried....a lot.
On Monday, he got sent home again and my boss told me to go home and do what I had to do - but I full on knew that it was reflecting badly on me and ended up having a near total breakdown at work in front of her. I was just sobbing and shaking and I swear I couldn't breathe. I told her that I knew I was messing up everything by having this happen right now, and that I knew that I must look unreliable and horrible cuz I've had to leave work so much lately, but that I couldn't afford to lose my job or I'd lose everything. I was a total wreck.
So, I went home. I talked to Child Care Licensing for over an hour and go nowhere - no one knows who will watch a kid who's depressed and acting out. So, I took the big step and called the EAP program at work to get Nevin a Child Psychologist. We went to our first session on Monday and it was so sad. Nevin was fine, and then the topic of his dad came up and he just curled up in a little ball in my lap and was shaking and telling me how much he loved me and it took everything in me to be the strong mom and not just break into a thousand little pieces.
Then, on Tuesday, he was great. He officially started being watched by a friend of mine who's got experience with difficult kids (she had foster kids, and then she watched the severely ADHD kid from the apartments). No outburst for longer than about 10 minutes. And then it came time to go home and he couldn't find his truck. She promised that she would have it for him in the morning when he came back, but he flipped anyway. He screamed all the way back to our house (two apartment buildings over) and then threw the biggest tantrum ever - he even kicked me. Kyla showed up while all this was going on and took over cuz she could see I was just absolutely broken. She took Nevin to his room to calm him down and he started screaming and kicking and throwing things and he said that he hates me and his dad, and that his dad took his brave parts with him when he moved away and now he's scared all the time. And then I sat and held him and we cried for a good half hour.
And then he was fine.
I'm beside myself. I'm losing my mind. I can't cope. I have really been wanting to start smoking again to relieve some tension (and I haven't smoked regularly since before Nevin was born - at least, not for more than a weekend). I'm absolutely shutting off and going numb and I don't like it. I really need a hug from my mother.
So, I called Jeff last Thursday to tell him what was going on. He said that if Nevin wants to see him that bad, then obviously it's better for Nevin to go and live with him....so he's suing me for custody. And the bastard still, almost a week later, hasn't called his son to say so much as hello.
Just thought I should explain why I've fallen off the face of the earth.
Yvette
