In case you were wondering....

I'm not happy today. Have some serious family business to take care of straight away. Jeff is trying to get Nevin for a full year and enroll him in Kindergarten in SoCal. That peaceful negotiation that we've always pursued has ended. The war of the roses has officially begun and she who has never been in rehab will win.

I know I come across as being angry and hard assed - but, really, I keep bursting into tears. Really, I am crushed by the fact that things have gone this far and that Nevin is suffering emotionally because his dad offers him nothing and I am sooo drained that it's hard to provide him comfort when he knows his dad is going to miss yet ANOTHER birthday party. I'm ready to quit my job and pack up our stuff and move to a simpler place - somewhere tropical and lovely where we can live in a small hut/house and I would only have to work minimally to support us and provide him with unconceivable happiness and love and, most of all, peace.

Aleda, us moving to Puerto Rico is starting to sound better and better.

Yvette

Song of the Day

"Summerland" - Everclear

Let's just drive your car
We could drive all day
Let's just get the hell away from here
For I am sick again
Just plain sick to death
Of the sound of my own voice
We could leave behind another wasted year
Get some cheap red wine and just go flying
We could do the things,
All the things you wanted to
No one cares about us anyway

I think I lost my smile
I think you lost yours too
We have lost the power to make each other laugh
Let's just leave this place
And go to Summerland
Just a name on the map
Sounds like heaven to me
We could find a town
Be just how we want to be
No one here really cares about us anyway
We could find a place
Make it what we want it to be
No one really gives a fuck about us anyway
We could live just like we want to live
No one here really cares about us anyway
We could be everything we want to be
We could get lost in the fall
Glimmer sparkle and fade
The sparkle and fade
Fall glimmer sparkle and fade

Forget about our jobs at the record store
Forget about all the losers that we know
Forget about all the memories that keep you down
Forget about them
We could lose them in the sparkle and fade
We could leave them behind in the sparkle and fade
Yeah sparkle and fade
Fall glimmer sparkle and fade

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

I feel like I don't have a safe haven right now.

I mean, one can only spend so much time at home and at coconut bowl. And I don't feel like I can go to Mr. O's without infringing on someone else's happiness. And I don't feel like I can write about things on here anymore without people who say they want me out of their life reading them.

I'm starting to feel like I can't exhale without fanning a fire....and I still don't even know how they all got started.

I guess I just need a vacation. I guess I just need change. And I've been making TONS of changes lately. TONS. But that's okay - maybe it's for the best that the whole world knows what I'm going through. Still, I'm glad I've got myspace with it's "preferred list only" option for the really personal things that, while I wouldn't mind getting some feedback from total strangers on, I do mind getting feedback from people who think poorly of me. At least that gives me some semblance of privacy...or something like it.

I have a headache. Bah.

I see that you've come to resist me.....

You know what sucks? I can't stop thinking about how I want to be with someone. The human touch is something that I just can't seem to escape from. I long for it. And yet, the emotional baggage that it often brings with it seems almost too much to bear.

I mean, I have great friends who will let me cry on their chest and stroke my hair until I feel better...but sometimes, you just want someone to hold you when you fall asleep or kiss you on the forehead and cover you up if you pass out on the couch. And every time I think I've found someone who is capable of filling the position, I find out that I'm wrong.

Maybe it's the fact that I don't even pay attention to someone until they have absolutely swept me off of my feet that I keep getting disappointed so badly. Because, if you are capable of sweeping me off of my feet, I'll give you the world. Then again, the world isn't mine to give, now is it?

So, here I have been - resigning myself to being alone. To waking alone and facing the day alone and standing out on the patio smoking cigarettes (don't ask me why I've started that up again - it's been YEARS since I smoked on a regular basis) and just staring into the sky reassuring myself that I could live like this forever because things are better off this way. Apparently, I'm a liar.

So, instead, I surround myself with my friends - I eat lunch with them, they greet me when I come home, they answer my phone calls and text messages and emails. They give me all of the love that I could ever ask for....just not in the way that I asked for it.

*sigh* Why can't I just be satisfied with the way things are?

Today is the greatest

I feel like everything is off of my shoulders. I wrote a letter to someone who recently affected me very deeply...in a way I'm not used to. I know I'll never give it to him...but I feel like I can have peace about things now. And as far as everything else? Well, it's water under the bridge and I'm finally feeling so far removed that I don't really remember why I ever wanted to be all up in it.

Thank you to the samsonite crew. You guys make my days so much brighter.

So this weekend shall bring relaxation. A night out on the town complete with the Monroe show...a Saturday in the pool with the boy....a Sunday of rest. SWEET! Then, next weekend, one of my best friends EVER is coming to visit for Hot August Nights. HECK YES! He's so excited to see me and nev again. it had been 5 years of nothing but phones and emails until this last May when he came to visit and now I get to see him again. Rocko - you're the bees knees.

And my son let his father verbally have it last night for all the missed calls and birthday parties and school events....I know it was hard, but it sure looks like progress from here.

Alright, back to work.

whatever.

I have really quite had it. People can say whatever they want about me and they just need to get over it. Peace out.

A bright spot

I got called today for an interview at the City of Sparks for an Office Specialist position. This could prevent me from having to get a 2nd job! *crosses fingers* Yes, please! So, everyone send good vibes and prayers this way, kay, cuz this could be the opportunity that I have been waiting for.....

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

I have come to some conclusions in the last 24 hours. Partially with the help of my friends, and partially with the help of my enemies. Here's what I've come to:

Mr O's - I won't be hanging out there anymore. I'm going to miss it, because I've had some really good times there - and because there are people who I only see when I'm there - but I am conceding to Alisa. I don't really know what happened with her - I don't really know how it got so ridiculous - but I know that I'm more than willing to walk away and just cut my losses and let her have her peace. I've NEVER had this much upheaval all at once, and I can't say that I've enjoyed a bit of it....so maybe hanging out there just isn't good for me. And, as far as my favorite person there who I was disappointed in? Well, I'm glad I got both sides of the story cuz he really is a great guy and, well, things don't always happen the way that you plan them. I guess I was just having a knee jerk reaction because I got the details from the boy who was incredibly upset by the whole thing. Heck, if I hadn't upset a friend when I dated Matt last year, I wouldn't have the amazing friend that I have now.....so, everything happens for a reason and, usually, exactly the way that it's supposed to. I hope that my other friend is going to be able to forgive him, because no girl/guy is worth losing a good friend over. I think it's just going to take time.

My "friends" - Right now, I can trust in the small crew that I've surrounded myself with: Matt, Hillary, Sarah, Tim & Tish. None of us are perfect and none of us is problem free (although Tim appears to be), but we all keep going and encourage each other to take control of what's in front of us and turn it into what we want it to be. The other people? Well, if they don't see me and love me for who I am - fuck 'em. I have got more important things to worry about than whether or not you really give two shits about me. It appears that a group of people that I thought I was close to really just think that I'm disposable. So be it - if they know me and can't appreciate me for who I am then I can gladly walk away. I just hope that I get all of my stuff back in the process - one of them has two of my shirts that I like quite a bit. I think that not having people in my life who relish in my shortcomings is going to kick ass - and, besides, it's helped me to find people who actually give a shit about me more than I could have imagined. Thanks, guys....all of you.

Jeff - I've had it with his irresponsibility and inconsistency. I'm going to go ahead and pursue everything - custody/visitations/child support and see where it gets me. I don't think that he is really in a position to argue while he's in court ordered rehab. I often wish that Jeff could be the amazing guy that he was when I met him, but I honestly think that he's not capable anymore. Something has clicked off. And while it sucks to know that my son will never know the incredible loving man that I used to know, it is good to know that someone is forcing him to get the help that he so badly needs. I still adore him, but I can't ever imagine my life with him again.

Jobs - I'm getting a 2nd one. It's going to be hard work and I'm not excited about it, but you've got to do what you've got to do to make sure that you get by. I'm sure that everything will settle itself soon - so I'm not too concerned. I just have to find someone to watch Nevin while I'm at work. Wish me luck.

On that note, I'm going to go make Nev some pancakes and watch some 'toons with him. Hope that life is treating all of you well.

always,
miss m.

...and it's only Thursday

So, after resolving to tell all of the people in my life who are causing me stress to go piss off (yes, Gordy, they are assholes), I went home to embark upon a cleaning rampage. No, really, I cleaned the fuck out of my house in an effort to make it look shiny & spotless for my barbecue this afternoon. What I didn't anticipate was losing my motivation at like 9:00. But then, people started showing up. The nev went to bed and then Tim came over, followed by Matt & John. And, next thing you know, we're playing odds and evens on my patio and nearly two cases of newcastle were missing. Yipes! I crawled into bed at 2 a.m. and was like "oh crap - I have to be up in 3 1/2 hours..." which, of course, I wasn't. But I did manage to get up in 4...still a bit tipsy. So, I took some advil and drank some water and attempted to sober up in the shower....and then the morning got interesting.

First I get a call from Hill telling me about how she did too many shots and got sick at O's last night and ended up sleeping in her car in the parking lot. So I talk to her while I put on my makeup and then wander out into the fresh air....only to find that it smells like rain and is overcast as hell. Perfect barbecue weather, huh? And then I get to work and think "this headache is going to go away and the day is going to kick ass" and then hot coworker boy comes in. And he full on stops and leans over on my desk when I ask how he's doing and I could just tell something was wrong. He was just like "not very good". I knew that he had a hang up on his ex-girlfriend - they'd been together for SEVERAL years and, like any couple who loves each other but just isn't working anymore, they keep doing this on again, off again "let's work on it" stuff. So, 4th of July weekend they went to San Francisco and had a talk and decided that they were going to start hanging out again and see where things went....well, I can tell you where they went - right out the effin window. Last night, he had the misfortune of finding out that our favorite neighborhood bartender (and someone we all consider a friend) was dating his on again, off again girl. Heartbreaking. Hence, he's not coming to the barbecue.

I think I'm going to take him to Sushi tomorrow and let him vent. I mean, I know that things weren't still all serious between them right now, in fact, they're shaky enough that he's willing to go out with other people - but when you find out that the other people she's seeing are your good friends, that just hurts - that's flat out betrayal. And I think it kind of messed up my opinion of our favorite man at Mr. O's. :( Maybe my time there is done for a bit.....

Resolve

I'm too emotional lately. Things are hitting me all wrong.

I'm resolving not to overanalyze the actions of my friends.

I am returning to the good old days of only overanalyzing myself. I'll let you know how it works out.

Good news for the day:
*I'm not pregnant - my period is apparently freaking out cuz I'm stressed
*The hot coworker boy is coming to my barbecue
*The only people who really matter to me that I hang out with at O's are still my friends
*I get to leave work 1/2 hour early today and tomorrow because I was stuck at the post office for so long yesterday
*My part of the office is cooler than the rest of the office

Yes, I am deciding that life is good. And anyone who doesn't want me to feel that way can just kiss off.

*muah*

Don't take it personal?

Man, at this point, it's ALL personal.

So, I finally balls up and ask hot coworker boy to a bbq at my house. Nice. I'm all set and thinking that everything is going to go smoothly and *bam* things get weird.

Haven't heard from Matt for 2 days. Um...okay. Odd. And then one of my close female friends tells me that she doesn't think she "meshes well" with my other friends so she won't be there. Um - hello - yeah, cuz this bbq isn't important to me or anything.

Whatever - I guess I'm just finding out that my "good" friends aren't as good as I thought they were. Nearly all of them, lately, and it's fucking making me crazy. I mean, come on guys - as if I don't have enough on my plate already.

Shit, I want to go home.

Late night ponderings.

So I decided to sleep on the weird thoughts that I was having last night....but they've seemed to linger in my mind, so I've got to get them out somewhere.

Do you ever have that feeling that you've already met that person that you are meant to spend the rest of your life with and that you just don't know it yet? Like you aren't finished becoming who you are and they aren't finished becoming who they are but, when everything hammers itself out, the two of you are going to be standing in front of each other and it will all come clear.

I've been having the feeling a lot lately. But, honestly, I don't have the faintest idea who in my life it could be. I have a few thoughts...but no solid idea.

Who knows...maybe I just care about people too much and it effects me in strange ways. Or maybe I've just been eating too much sugar.

Pass the Red Bull, please - I need to be able to think more clearly.

People never cease to amaze me

There is this girl that I've been friends with for the last year. I felt like she was one of those people who I could talk to about anything. Then I apparently messed up - I pissed off her boyfriend. Apparently that's the kiss of death.

Worst part is, I don't even know what happened. It was 3 weeks ago today when I was blacked out and have no idea what happened. Something about pissing off his friends and it hanging out with me causing tension in their relationship.

Sadly, she wrote a blog on myspace about it but marked it "friends only" so that I couldn't read it but everyone else could. That's just not even friendly.

It's funny how things fall into perspective...

...when the paramedics are in your house.

I'm not putting up any details, cuz I don't know who all reads this, but last night scared the pants off of me. Don't worry - Nevin was sleeping safely.

And all I could think is that I have the best friends in the whole world...and I try to be one. All I could think of was my blackout night 3 weeks ago, and that two guys who I hardly knew and one of my good friends totally took care of me in a way that no one has ever had to before. And, last night, it was my turn. I'm so glad Matt was there with me cuz, really, when he hugs me I always know that things are going to work out okay - even when they are lightyears from being remotely okay. I mean, here I am on the phone with 911 and he's trying to keep everything together, and we're both sweating and breathing hard and he looks up at me and I looked at him - and just the look in his eyes told me that we could handle everything and get through this. We really are great friends. That boy means the world to me.

Don't even think it - Matt and I won't be dating again or anything. We all know how that worked out last time.

This morning, I just feel so lucky. I mean, I think last night really kind of bonded the three of us even closer than I had already anticipated that we were or would be. I really kind of feel like I've got a team now who is going to be there for me no matter what and, honestly, with most people that I know, I've always had my doubts.

Thank you guys.

Thank you.

I don't know who left the anonymous comment on my introspection blog - I have an idea, but it could be wrong. Either way, whoever you are, you were obviously a part of my life once and I would love an email. At this point in my life, I'm wishing everyone the best. All of our paths are hard, just in different ways, and I guess that sometimes makes it hard for all of us to understand each other. But, nevertheless, people are always parts of each other's lives for a reason...and I would love to know which role you played.

as always,
Yvette

Empathy at it's finest.

After 3 hours of deliberating over custody/visitation mumbo jumbo with Jeff and 32 pages of paperwork, I know how Mike feels. I've been doing this for a few days and I'm waiting for my head to start spinning like in the exorcist. Could you imagine doing this for several months to a year? It would most surely kill me.

I'm just trying to stay positive and flexible. As long as Jeff and I can agree on the terms, we can file a joint petition. SOOOO much easier....but he keeps threatening me with the word "attorney" and I'm not going to let him bully me, so there may be a long fight ahead. I know I'm going to win and I know that things will work out the way they are supposed to, I just hope it doesn't cost us both a lot of money that neither of us has or leave one of us in the position that Mike is currently in.

So, now, I am wondering if I should get a temporary protective order to ensure my full custody while we are going through this whole process. *sigh* What terrible things to have to consider, but I'm just trying to make sure I can't get blind sided in all of this.

The only bad news is this: I'm smoking again. Old habits die hard and stress coping - well, all of you who have smoked know how it is. The worse things get, the more you want a cigarette. So, yeah, I'm smoking a lot. Damn it - I'll quit again as soon as this is all over.

Blogmarks!

To all of you on blogexplosion:

My blogmarks have gotten out of control - so I'm adding more links to my blog. As I add your blog to my page, I will be deleting the blogmark. So, really, a deleted blogmark means you kick ass!

Thanks,
Yvette

Thank you, Croaker

So, this guy left a comment on my last post about bookmarking it, and I had to reply....which led to him telling me that he had read my last post, which prompted him to read my very first post, and he noticed that things had changed quite a bit.

So, I did the same.

Wow - it's amazing how much things can change in just over 3 years. Honestly, I was this happy little mom living in Northern California with my son who was not even two years old and still discovering everything and my other half, Jeff, who I loved dearly.

And here I sit today. I still love Jeff dearly, but in a completely different way, seeing as we've been split up for over a year and a half. And Nevin - well, he's definitely more of a challenge now, but in an entirely different way. Instead of potty training, it's emotional conditioning and recovery from the pain of missing his father being around....his father who has only seen him once since Christmas, I might add. And me? Well, this blog isn't so much about my adventures anymore as an introspective look at my life and my thoughts and how I have developed into who I am going to be.

You know, when this blog first started, the template was white with Red, orange and yellow flames and it was called "the wonderful world of vette". I guess even the title change says a lot, eh?

Honestly, though, I'm not unhappy about any of the change that's occurred in my life. Maybe a little unhappy with how things happened, or a little unhappy with some of the aftermath that has to be cleaned up, but I'm definitely a stronger and wiser person now - and I think there's a lot to be said for that.

Thank you. ;)

Introspection is a hobby

And I'm becoming quite good at it, really. In fact, I rather enjoy it - and this morning, I began feeling like I had finally grown into my own skin, and now everything is feeling rather incredible. I may not be the big boobed girl in a string bikini like I was back in the day, but I'm beautiful - inside and out - and I'm changing the things that I don't feel like accepting all the way around.

I had a friend recently point out to me that she and I weren't hanging out anymore because she wanted to keep her life simple and that I am anything but. You know what? I'm not simple. I don't see things in black and white, as much as I'd sometimes like to. You know, there's not a lot of people who know that much about me though. To the people who see me as the happy, bouncy, smily girl at the bar - I'm simple. To the people who only hang with me at backyard barbecues, I'm simple. It's not until I let people get below the surface that they know I'm not. So, if you made it that far, you should feel kind of lucky, cuz you know something about me that I never really made public until now.

Truth be told, I like that I'm not simple. I like that there's seven layers to everything I think and feel - I like that I seek out other viewpoints and toss them around in my head and argue with myself a lot. I think it's healthy. I mean, I'm not saying that these ideas are always right or that I consider every viewpoint all the time, cuz sometimes I can be the hardheaded Capricorn that I was born to be - but I'd say that I am leagues away from where I started....and that this is just the beginning.

I guess a lot of the things that my friends say to me really sunk in today. I remember, in 1999 when some shit really went haywire in my life (which is the only reason I don't do drugs anymore), my friend Rocky used to call me a Weeble because, as we all know, "Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down". I always landed on my feet. Nothing ever broke me for more than a minute or two - I always hit the ground running.

Recently, guys, I fell down. I let the build up of all of this stress from Jeff and I splitting up and Nevin having issues and me losing my fabulous one (which apparently my old boss blamed on the fact that I missed work and was late due to Nevin's issues) only to end up in a dead end one that really doesn't pay enough and Jeff spiraling into nothing and not being there emotionally or financially for Nevin....I let them break me.

Well, I'm back. And I'm on the ground and I'm running. And that is that - let's not let this happen again for at least another 6 years, eh? I may not be in exactly the position that I want to be in, but I'm doing the best with what I've got and I'm moving in the right direction and that's good enough for me. And if it's not good enough for you well, who the hell are you anyway? I have more important things to worry about than what you have to say about what I'm doing. Turn your head and focus on something else.

Lastly, a friend pointed out to me that I have a tendency to only date guys who are estranged from their fathers and, thus, have some pretty good sized issues when it comes to emotions. The more I think about it, the more I realize that women tend to go for men like their fathers....and since my father never had a moment's peacefulness with his father until just before his father died, I guess that has something to do with it. There is something about the emotional level that these guys have that fulfills me. I don't know if it's good or bad, but I'm glad that the pattern was pointed out to me. Maybe it's just something I'm going to have to contemplate a bit longer before I really know what to do with it.

As far as the most recent guy goes - guys, I'm sorry, but whether or not he was an ass to me, I think he is a wonderful man. What I do see, though, that I think many people aren't paying attention to is that he is absolutely crying out for someone to save him from himself. He has lost the one thing in his life that makes getting up in the morning worth it for him - his son. And he's fighting his ass off to get him back. But he feels like he's fighting a losing battle, guys. He's being defeated at every turn. And instead of it making him fight harder, he's breaking. He's admittedly drinking himself to death. And this last week he actually hurt himself. I hope that somebody is able to break through the shell far enough to let a little light in before something worse happens....but I don't know who would be able to do it. I know that it's not going to be me, cuz I blew my window of opportunity. But, really, he's dying inside and I hope someone notices before they buy him another shot of whiskey.

Thank you to all of the friends who have been around this past year who watched me spiral down into an abyss that it took me a while to climb out of. I care about all of you more than you know - Todd, Sarah, Matt, Alisa, Nicci, Aleda, Maria, Chantel, Mackenzie, Jen, Michelle, Kyla, and yes, Will, even you. Without all of you, I really don't know what would have happened to me and how I ever would have made it through all of the junk that has gone on this past 18 months. And to my NEW fabulous friends, Tisha and Hillary, may you never have to deal with that much crazy shit from me....EVER. haha *hugs* Love you all.

Okay, I'm done being sappy now. See what happens if I pass through a Saturday without even one newcastle? ;)

It's all about remaining positive

...which is sometimes harder than others.

I have to deal with this custody case. I ask Mike, the one person who I think might understand what I'm going through, about where to start with the paperwork, and he flips out on me (this was part of Wednesday's ugliness). Apparently, when you say the word custody to Mike, he flips into a parallel universe where he assumes that you are his ex-wife and must be out to destroy some poor innocent man and keep him from seeing his son and take all of his money. And then he says "so, you want some advice on how to fuck him over? Cuz I could tell you how to do that!" Um...HELLO?! Jeff doesn't have any money, I want him to see his son more often, and he is one of my good friends, despite our history. Whatever, Mike. Thanks for listening.

You know, I think the only problem that Jeff and I are going to have with all of this paperwork is the number of days that he gets Nevin every other month. He is against it being a weekend. He says that's not long enough. I say that I'm not going to have Nevin missing school so that he can go and visit his dad. Hence, we have a problem. I figure if we can plan it out so that Nevin goes and visits his dad on 3 day weekends, we can resolve this rather quickly. That of course would mean that there would be one weekend a year that Nevin would miss a day of school - and that I can accept.

I also have to deal with the money situation. Jeff is not holding a steady job (which is going to count against him in the custody case) and so I can't count on him for child support anymore because, when he gets money, he's already allotted it to something else (yes, we're going to court for Child Support too). So, I'm looking at getting a second job. I would feel guilty having to have someone else pick Nevin up from school every day and watch him until 10 or so, but you've got to do what you've got to do, right? Besides, I don't really NEED a social life, I just like having one. But the people who really love me would come and hang with me at Roller Kingdom, right? Okay, yeah, not sure if I'm going to do the roller kingdom thing or go retail, but roller kingdom would be way better exercise.

I also just realized that it's July 9th, so I really have to start planning Nevin's birthday party. *sigh* Yeah, I need to get a second job. Birthdays are so expensive. You know, if I did get a second job at Roller Kingdom, we could probably get a discount on his party. SWEET!

Anyways, I have shifted any of the energy in my life that was being put into men into my new pursuit for legal clarification of Jeff and I's responsibilities. So, there will be NOTHING about men on here for a while.

WISH ME LUCK!

hahahahahahaha

So, I had in an application with Google AdSense, right?

So, they finally review my blog yesterday, right after I put up the most heated, angry post in a long time.

Yup, I was denied for profanity. :)

Closure

Talked to Mike last night. It was terrible. I have officially put us on the "let's pretend we've never met" plan and walked away.

And today I get to start the footwork for the child support/custody case that Jeff wants to embark upon. Fabulous...

Who the fuck are you???

This comment on my last blog entry fucking blows my mind:

Your son is not fearless.
He is careless as every normal kids are.

You better pay more attention to him 24/7.

Please, don't ignore him.
Watch over him and take good care of your God sent son. And one fine day, he will take good care of you.

Where is the dad?
- Orikinla Osinachi

Who the fuck does this guy think he is coming on my blog, reading one post, and writing this? I am a GREAT mom - I take care of my son singlehandedly and he is healthy and happy and wonderful. And you have no idea how much time and effort I put into taking care of my son. And you read one post about my son falling down and scraping himself up and you have the AUDACITY to leave a comment that says that I better pay more attention to my son?!

Guess what, shithead, you can watch a kid 24 hours a day and they are still going to get hurt. You know why? Because they are young and because they are curious and because they are risk takers....because they haven't learned what fear is yet, because, as long as they feel secure, they have no reason to be afraid. So, you know, it's probably a testament to my parenting that I don't have one of those kids who is so afraid of the world that he doesn't know how to feel alive.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, mr. narrowminded "christian defender of justice, love, and peace".

Some people should be bitchslapped into oblivion. If I knew how to delete comments on here, I would. That is the rudest shit I have ever seen.

My son is fearless....and it's starting to scare me!

So, recently my son had to have his chin put back together right? Well, last night, he decides it's a good idea to jump on top of a cooler and takes a digger FACE FIRST across Tish's patio. YIPES! I took off the band aid and was like "holy shit - we need to cover that back up!"

So, I get him to school and they see these big old bandages on his face and his eye is swollen shut and they're like "is he going to be okay? Do we need to watch for symptoms of a concussion?" and I was like "you need to tie him down and not let him run....EVER."

I'm telling you - I need to hurry up and get some health insurance before this boy cracks his head open AGAIN. Yes, I said again. He's really starting to freak me out.

Happy Wednesday

Today is a day of relief and release - I have decided that it is so.

A friend of mine is breathing a huge sigh of relief right now. And I'm feeling a bit relieved too. Relieved to know that I'm going in the direction that I want to be going. Not necessarily professionally, but definitely personally. I think I've made a lot of changes in the last year and, quite frankly, I like it. I feel 100 times more confident in who I am and way more comfortable in my own skin. I'm still making improvements - but they're for me, not because I was told that I needed to do it.

I guess not being with Jeff has became a good thing a while ago, and since then I've been working through all of the issues and insecurities that he left me with. It's amazing how someone who says that they love you so much could be so critical of you that it leaves you wondering who you really are and what direction you're really going. I was the queen of self-esteem and then we got together and I let myself get picked at and picked at until all of the things he said started to sound true to me, even if I knew they weren't.

So I made some decisions. I haven't put it up here yet, but I've been following a good diet to make sure that I don't become a diabetic before I know it (I've been hypoglycemic since I was young, so it's getting to be just around the corner), and I'm losing weight like a mad woman. Who knew my body was so angry at me for eating all of that sugar and starchy crap? And, this Jeff thing - well, it's time to take a step that I had been trying to avoid. I'm tired of him deciding whether or not he can afford to pay child support or has time to see Nevin. So, I'm marching my happy ass to the DA's office on my lunch break tomorrow to pick up the paperwork for my child support/custody case. It should be fairly simple, I believe, and it is going to give me back full control of what's going on with my son. Just the thought lifts a huge weight off of my shoulders.

**Mike, though you don't even know this blog is up, I want to thank you for motivating me to take the bull by the horns on this one. Had I not seen you earnestly struggling to do whatever you could to make sure that you were a part of your son's life, I never would have gotten the kick in the ass I needed to make everything legal with Jeff. I know we're not talking right now, but I thank you from the bottom of my heart for showing me what a real father does for his kid, and inspiring me to take care of some business**

Tonight is going to be awesome. I just had new tips put on my favorite stilettos, I fixed the belt loop on my semi-retro capris, and I'm going to dance to some old 45's and drink a newcastle or two and be merry and enjoy every moment of it. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I don't have a whole lot of junk weighing me down.

oh yeah, and I'm coming armed with a camera so prep yourself! Everyone knows that I'm not afraid to be silly or embarass myself - but, being that I bring out the goofball in everyone, are you ready to be caught on digital media that may or may not be posted on the internet? :)

The 4th of July now has new meaning for me

This 4th of July was kind of tough.

I've been such a stress case and it was a unique group of people and I wasn't sure what to expect. And then the lights went out in Victorian Square and my son looked up at me and held my hand in anticipation of the fireworks....and that's when I knew why I was there....and I wondered how it must break a parent's heart to be alone at that very second.

Let's be honest - yeah, the 4th of July is a celebration of our independence. Of our country. Of our freedom. But really, in America, holidays are an excuse to barbecue and have camaraderie and drink beer....as if we really need an excuse to do that.

But my little boy made it all pretty clear for me tonight. This is the first year that the fireworks weren't so loud that they scared him. It's the first year that he was shaking out of excitement instead of fear. And as I stood there in the center of Victorian Square holding my little boy in my arms, cheek to cheek staring up into the sky, he started to cry.

I leaned my mouth into his ear and asked "why are you upset, honey?" and he said "I'm not". So, I asked "but why are you crying?" and he said "I'm just so happy that we got to come and see the fireworks mommy. They're so beautiful. I love you so much, mommy."

It choked me up then....the same way that it is as I type it. All of these stresses in my life - money, work, family - I take these things on because of him. Left to my own devices, I'd still be a party girl, playing dj/mc with my friends, dancing at the club, and then the afterhours, and the raves on the weekends. I'd probably still be on drugs, if I was still alive at all, slowly killing myself trying to find that one special something that made it worth getting up in the morning. All those years that I lived with a permanent smile on my face, only to find that there was a real person behind the big animated facade just waiting to get out. Someone who had so many more important things to do with their life....not to say that I don't still require a certain amount of dancing. ;)

Nevin and I may have our hard times, but I always get up in the morning - in fact, I always want to. Yeah, there are times that everything gets to be a bit much and I miss having someone to share the responsibility with, or having someone to come home to who is going to listen to your drivel and tell you everything is going to be okay.

But, whether or not I've got a man in my life, I've got a wonderful little man who sees when his mom is hurting and will come sit next to me on the couch and stroke my hair and tell me how beautiful I am and kiss my tears away. And, you know, what the world thinks about me doesn't matter so much when I know that there's someone out there who truly does love me unconditionally.

And as I carried him, sleeping, to bed tonight, and tucked him in under his favorite blanket, I felt like the luckiest person in the world.

Happy 4th of July, everyone....even if it is a day late.

...as I pop my pill for reassurance

I had a most disturbing dream last night. The most recent boy? I dreamt that I was pregnant with his kid and I woke up while I was telling him. I mean, I had gone to Mr. O's and pulled him out back to talk and when we sat down, I pulled the positive pregnancy test out of my purse and he was just like "oh my god" and then I woke up.

Actually, I woke up because, in my sleep, I bit down on the diamond stud that's through my lip and actually pulled the whole thing out through the back. Ouch. But, regardless, it's the scariest dream I've ever had.

So I went to Dream Moods to see what this could possibly mean and it said this:

Pregnancy Test
To dream that you are taking a pregnancy test, may be a metaphor for a new phase you are entering in your life (a new job, relationship, etc.) You may feel that you are being put to the test as to whether you are prepared or ready for these changes. Alternatively, this dream may be literal in meaning and address your anxieties/fears of getting pregnant.

Pregnant
To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

I am going to go with the new phase in my life and I am envisioning things growing and developing between Mike and I. Yes, please.

No babies. No babies. No babies.

Day of rest, my ass.

You know what sucks? I think I'm so stressed out right now that I've lost my ability to relax. I can't just not worry about things. It's like, my head is going in so many different directions that if I don't have something to divert myself, I'll go effin crazy. If I just tried to "relax" I'd end up just lying here crying again.

Mike, I really do feel bad that you ended up being the recipient of all my shit. I have been such an asshole lately. Hopefully, when I get my head on straight, we can become friends again and you can see what I'm really made of. You think you know, but you have no idea....

Anyways, today, the diversion process continues. Tisha said that we should go swimming later. Maybe all of my stress will divert to the fact that I have a ghetto bootie. Cuz, well, I do. And no matter how much thinner I continue to get, my ass will never go away. I'll be like freakin' Beyonce....all teeny, teeny, tiny with this monster ASS. I guess some guys think that's sexy though - right? ;)

Here's to a Sunday that's better than the whole rest of my week was.

Yvette

Can't you see what you've done to my heart and soul....

....it's such a wasteland now.

Sorry guys, every time I start looking up lately, things start looking down. It's like I can't catch a break right now and it's wearing me out. My mom says it's a test of my faith, but I feel more like it's a test of my limits, cuz I really don't have much faith in things turning around right now. I guess I should.

So, yesterday Nevin gets sent home from school for getting into a fight with this kid. And I'm ALREADY at the end of my rope with the stress of what's going on with money, and Nevin's father, and my sister, and my job.....and Nevin gets sent home and I have to miss more work. So, there's another unpaid 4 hours on top of Monday's holiday. I start crying as soon as I get the phone call, cuz I'm past a point where I can maintain reasonable composure, and that was the end of it. I end up just laying there face down on my bed after driving around in my car for 3 hours. This place just isn't California where you can drive to the coast and cruise pch for an hour and make yourself feel better. People don't know how to freakin' drive here, so it has taken the peacefulness of driving away from me.

Anyways, I call his dad. I mean, first off, there's no reason that he can't hold a job long enough to pay his child support since he had the same job Nevin's entire life until we were splitting up. Secondly, since he's uncapable of holding a job for more than a few weeks in Southern California, I wanted to know why he wasn't moving closer to his son to share the responsibility and the influence. I said that the least he could do was be around to help me out and share in having to take time off of work to take care of him, and to be there take him every other weekend, and be some kind of help to me physically, since he isn't financially. And he got all upset with me. He said that he wasn't going to be moving back here because the temptation is too great and because he doesn't have the support system he does down there.

My answer was this:
a) It's not that you can't stay sober and off of drugs because of Reno, it's because you have no effin will power. It's because you keep putting yourself in positions that you know you shouldn't be in. You've had problems in Southern California with the same thing your whole life so I don't even want to hear that shit.
and
b) Support system? Oh, you mean people who will let you sleep on their couches or who will pay your bills for you. Oh, yeah, that's a good thing to keep around so that you don't EVER have to be responsible, eh? Don't ever make yourself face the real world like the rest of us....

So my son is totally heartbroken. And you know what that means? So am I.

So, armed with the total lack of faith that I have in relationships, and the lack of faith that I am developing in friendships, I go out to face the world.

It is probably recommended that you stay out of my path.