Times, they are a'changin

Things are getting better...and yet they're kind of lonely.

Thing is, I don't want Mr. Right Now. I could care less about being with someone who isn't going to be there tomorrow...so I just go home by myself whenever I go out. Seriously, I need to get a roommate so that we can come home from a night out and just watch TV and laugh together...it might take the lonliness away.

I love Nev...but it's just not the same.

Nothing like it

You know, I woke up a little late this morning. So, of course, I'm rushing around the house - shower, blow dry hair, throw clothes in dryer to dewrinkle cuz there's no time to iron, make nev's lunch, make sure he's up and eating breakfast and getting dressed - when I hear a little voice behind me say "excuse me mommy" and in my rush, I don't even turn around. I just ask "what's up, honey?" and continue blow drying my hair. And he says to me "mommy, you're so beautiful"

....and I completely stop what I'm doing.

And I look in the mirror at myself for a second before I turn around. My hair is only half straightened, I'm in my bathrobe, no makeup on...and I just think WOW. No one could ever love me as much as he does. No one.

And I sat down and had breakfast with him and helped him feed his goldfish. And I was 10 minutes late to work and, quite frankly, I don't care.

Somehow, that made today 100 times better than I ever thought it could have been.

ick.

I have a headache cuz I didn't eat breakfast. And, to be perfectly honest, my blood sugar has been seriously messing with me lately. I am quickly becoming concerned about my health...or more concerned, as it be. Good thing that I'll be insured in a couple of weeks.

Other than that, all is well. I'm just a bit complacent today. Nothing is bothering me, and there's not really anything to be excited about either. Guess some days are just fair to middling.

Good morning, Wonderful World!

Why am I so chipper? Let's see...there's a couple of reasons.

1) It's Saturday! This guarantees good times and good laughs. There's my son's soccer game at 2:00, pizza at 3:00, swimming at 4:00....How fun is that? And then movies with the friends later. Nope - can't complain about that at all.
2) Friday night with Sarah was the best. Bbqing and drinking wine and Nev riding his bike and all of us having treadmill races in the gym cuz it was empty....the BEST!
3) I got my raise yesterday. Hurrah! So, to anyone I may work with who is reading this, you're stuck with me for a while.
4) Got a new crush on a guy who is actually decent and stable enough that, in the event that things progressed (we will see when his work schedule gets a bit less hectic), I think I'd keep him around for a while. Those of you who read this often know that few guys can hold my attention long enough to get through dinner, let alone long enough for me to wait for things to progress so that may be a good sign.
5) I've turned word verification on in my comments so that I won't get anymore horrible comment spam. Yay!

Okay, this out of character chipperness is going to be put to some good use now. :) I'd better go work out while I've got the energy!

Mush love,
miss m

Confession

I have a spending problem....BIG TIME.

I am a shopaholic.

If I don't have money, I charge it. If I reach my limit, I get a new card. I keep doing so until I find that I have too many payments to make and then I have to figure out how to get the money to fix it. In 1997, I didn't fix it so I had crap for credit and had to work for years to repair it. Then, I got myself into a similar situation when Jeff and I split up in 2004. Paid off everything and cut up the cards. Then I got 8 new ones in 2005 AFTER I took a pay cut because I was wallowing and shopping makes me feel better. Yes, I'm a dumb ass. Luckily, I'm getting a raise this week and it's going to give me the means to get my own ass out of the hole I have dug YET again. Well, that an some crafty consolidation that my dad is helping me out with....by transferring numerous balances to his credit card at 0% interest. I am cutting up all of the cards that aren't visas or mastercards: Mervyn's, Target, Walmart, Home Depot, Citgo, 76, Chevron..... *sigh* I believe that I have finally learned my lesson. And, thank God, I'm finally going to be back in a position where my finances are settled and I'm not on shaky ground.

In the meantime, can someone slap the shit out of me for doing this AGAIN and then send me to a shopaholics anonymous meeting? Honestly, the only way I can be okay is if I NEVER go into stores. Ever.

....or on ebay.

Bah.

Myspace isn't letting me log in. I just keep getting errors. Suck.

And then I've got to figure out my finances. I have two options: debt consolidation or convincing my boss to give me this raise. I think I'm going to have to make a huge case for the raise. According to the mean wage for the Reno/Sparks area (as published by the Nevada Department of Employment, Training & Rehabilitaiton), I should be making $2.61 more than I am right now. WOWSER! So, we'll see what I get today. Cross your fingers - my boss seems okay with it...but is the bookkeeper??

happy happy happy

Even in the face of impending financial doom ....or at least the wrath of dad.... I am so stoked! Life is good. I love it. All is well. ;)

I am starting to like Macs

So, here I sit, writing this blog on my desktop in the new "DashBlog" widget. Widgets effin' rule. Someone needs to invent these for my PC at home.

How I love you...in the evening...when you are sleeping.

It surprises me how much someone can bother us in our day to day moments and yet how much we can love them.

Let's make one thing known: I'm short with people. It happens. I'll have 100 things going on and if you ask a stupid or redundant question, you will get a snippy answer. I'm not being mean, just being short and to the point so I can go about my business.

And some people get snipped at more than others.

I love my friends, but I've been under a fair amount of stress lately and have found myself being a bit shorter than usual with a particular selection of my friends that I like to call "the dwellers". These particular friends have problems moving forward. We discuss the same things over and over and over. And, while I'm a bit of a dweller myself, I make a conscious effort to only analyze a problem long enough to learn from it. I believe that some people don't want to learn, they want to fix.

I'm proud to say that I've come to a point where I have given up on the idea of fixing things. You can apologize, you can forgive, but you can't just repair things and make them like new. All things get better with time...and it's really all you've got. You say your piece, you put yourself out there, and then all you can do is wait. Maybe the person on the other end will answer that they don't accept your apology...and that's fine because that's what is right for them and all you can do is accept it. It's amazing that I gleaned that bit of wisdom from Jeff when we were discussing the old Mike situation....and that was right before he landed himself on jail. I guess some people do drugs to achieve a moment of clarity...too bad it's often followed by destruction.

I want all of my friends, past and present, to know that I love them no matter what has happened between us and where they are now. If the shit ever really went down the tubes, I would still be there for every last one of them, regardless of what has gone on in the past. And I know that you all know where to find me.

my love always,
Yvette

I still love the effin' Sex Pistols

I watched The Filth and The Fury: A Sex Pistols Movie last night. It just gives you this whole new insight on who they were, why they were, what was, what could have been and what poison Nancy was. Absolute poison....Sid was not the person that he allowed her to turn him into (but, if you've ever seen Sid and Nancy, you already know that). I also love how they talk to all of the other members, but they never show their faces. They are just talking shadows. And then, at the end, when Johnny Rotten is talking about Sid dying and starts to cry and you see him reach up to wipe a tear and hear his voice tremble....Wow. It just hits you.

Okay, so maybe I'm the only person on earth who gets choked up when Johnny Rotten cries. I'm totally okay with that.

Nevertheless, if you're a Sex Pistols fan, this documentary is a must see. Lots of great footage - I only wish I had seen it at one of the indie theaters in SoCal in 2000 when it came out...but I was entirely too busy being pregnant to go see a Sex Pistols documentary. :)

Honestly, I am so proud of the fact that I become an official soccer mom today. I'm a single mother and I just want my son to be happy. And let me tell you, the look on his face when he puts on his little soccer uniform is worth it all.

Who knew that actually becoming "a soccer mom" which is supposed to be some sort of social stigma would make me so damned happy?

I'm going to go and take a shower now...and then take the boy to get a haircut before we come back and get him in his uniform for his first big game.

I've never felt so happy.

Odd...and yet it makes so much sense.

I feel like I'm not communicating well lately. Like everything in my mind is so thought out and well formed and, yet, when I turn to say it to a friend, the words come out shadowed with subtleties and implications, darkened by uncertainty, tainted. It's like my mouth is intentionally twisting things, leaving them open to interpretation, rather than directly saying what was intended. So, I find myself being misunderstood. And, quite frankly, I'm too tired to explain or correct anyone....think what you will.

It reminds me of my senior year of high school. I was in the AP English class and we were studying for the Advanced Placement test that you can take to get college credits. One of the exercises was, of course, poetry interpretation. There was a boy in my class at the time who was about as uptight as they come. He insisted that poetry was intended to only be read one way. That the writer had something specific in mind, and the way that it was written was the same as the way it should be read. There was no room for personal application, no room for creative interpretation, no room for enjoyment...it was simply reading. Therefore, this poem about a girl riding a horse for the first time could ONLY be about a girl riding a horse.

I found his reasoning completely unacceptable.

Thus, I set out to prove him wrong, writing an extremely well supported paper stating that the particular poem we were reading was not really about a girl riding a horse for the first time, but having sex for the first time. The only part of the poem that I really remember was something about enjoying the feeling of his flesh against her supple thighs. Yeah, it was about sex. I decided it was so, I supported my case and, 10 years later, my English teacher is still using that paper on the overhead projector in his classroom to show that once something is put on paper, it takes on a life of it's own based on whatever may be hiding behind the eyes of the reader.

After looking through my blogs, who knows what the world must think of me. Some people may think I'm just a whiny bitch, or some people may think I'm angry, some people may think that I have a heart of gold, or some people may think that I just plain think too much...and they would all be right. Because they are understanding what I've written through the lens of what they've seen.

It makes you wonder if a total stranger could read years and years of your journal and still not understand you at all.

p.s.

I forgot to tell you:

my good friend Tisha had her baby.
His name is Micah John - 7 lbs. 7 oz. 19 inches

He is just this little tiny, adorable itty bitty delicate boy.

How adorable. :)

The job

is not mine. They gave the two positions to some older women. No offense to older women, but that really bugs me. I mean, is it because they think that the women aren't going to want to move up the ladder? Of course they probably have tons more experience than me ....seeing that they're nearly twice my age (I put them both in the early to mid 40's category) but I think that the fact that I was even in competition with them should tell them something about my skills.

Screw this. I only wanted to work there cuz it paid more, had good benefits and was close to home. Truth be told, the office environment seemed a bit sterile and uptight....so I probably wouldn't have fit in too well anyway.

Oh well.

Last night I Optimated with Hillary and Tim and laughed until my stomach hurt. We've been laughing until our stomachs hurt A LOT lately. And the look that Tim gets on his face when he sees me laughing but looking like I'm going to cry and says "Are you in pain?" is priceless. ;) And Hillary has the funniest catch phrases....although last night it was her circulation improving moves that were busting me up. That and "you wanna smell it?" hahahaha

I have a small group of great friends. I guess the Universe is clearing everything else out of the way to make room for....something. Oh well - Dear Universe, Thanks for shedding some light on things recently. Thanks for weeding through the bullshit and showing me who is going to be around if everything ever goes up in flames. But, next time, can we not make it people that I've been hanging out with for over a year? I'd like to keep things shorter term if they are going to fail. Thanks.

On another note, I'm dedicating the first two verses of a song by Keane to one of my best friends. I'm sure you'll read this....even if we aren't talking. I love you, Kid....and I miss you terribly.

You say your life is uneventful
and no one ever thinks about you
She goes her own way
She goes her own way
You say your life is ordinary
and no one ever thinks about you
But we're all the same
and she can hardly breathe without you

She says she has no time for you now
She says she has no time

Think about the lonely people
Then think about the day she found you
Or lie to yourself
And see it all dissolve around you......

......and this song is for everyone else who isn't a part of my life right now (also by Keane):

I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I've been stuck here dithering around
Well I know I said I'd wait around till you need me
But I have to go, I hate to let you down
But I can't stop now
I've got troubles of my own
Cause I'm short on time
I'm lonely
And I'm too tired to talk

I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I've been stuck here withering away
Well I know I said I wouldn't leave you behind
But I have to go, it breaks my heart to say

That I can't stop now
I've got troubles of my own
Cause I'm short on time
I'm lonely
And I'm too tired to talk

No one back home
I've got troubles of my own
And I can't slow down
For no one in town
And I can't stop now

And I can't slow down
For no one in town
And I can't stop now
For no one

Emotion keeps my heart on me
Emotion keeps my heart on me
Emotion keeps my heart on me
Emotion keeps my heart on me

Peace out & have a wonderful day.
Yvette

The reader's digest condensed version

Haven't written since last week so here's the scoop:

*10 days ago, a person whom I considered my best friend got drunk and turned into an ass for no reason causing us to have an argument and him to drop me off at the corner of 3rd & Arlington sometime after midnight and leaving. I found my friends, no worries, but it was terrible. We got into a fight about it AGAIN the next day. I told him we needed a break. Apparently that really meant that I never wanted to talk to him again. Who knew? Then his girlfriend asked me if we'd ever been together. She was freaking out. I assume she read on of my blogs. I told her it was a long time ago and nothing to worry about but it was too late. She'd gone off on him and the damage was done. Whatever.

Nevin's birthday was awesome. I couldn't have asked for a better day. The fam was here...but they had to leave shortly after the party due to a pulled muscle in my dad's back. But Nev got to have some friends over and me, Hill & Tim watched Ray and bbq'd. Okay, Tim bbq'd. ;) then Sunday I stayed in my pajamas until 5:00. Tim & Jenny came over and we went on an adventure for Chinese takeout. Then, we started to watch Kung Fu Hustle but, well, that didn't work out. So, Hill came over and we just bs'ed and hung out until she had to go to work and then Tim & I watched the comedy central roast on Pamela Anderson. Good stuff.

Fact is, I haven't really been going out. And I like it....a lot. It's very different from how things used to be. :) In a good way.

Back to work. Busy day.

Today is like Magic

Funny that my horoscope says I will want to concentrate on my family today. :)

Not only is it my son's 5th birthday, but my parents & my sister are coming to visit today.

So, the last few days have been a bit hectic. Birthday present shopping, cake ordering, bicycle assembling....and all undercover, of course. So, it's kept things interesting. And he got to wake up this morning and put on his new big boy outfit with his new big boy shoes and go to school and take cupcakes that he helped make for his class. And all seems somehow right with the world. Like all of the anguish and stress that I take on because our family situation is less than desirable is all worth it because he's the happiest little boy alive.

But, I must admit - I can hardly wait to take a real lunch break next week. One that doesn't involve trips to Wal-Mart or Mervyn's or the Dollar Store. :)

And, to top it all off, I have my 2nd interview with the City of Sparks today at 10:30. I am soooo stoked! I am trying hard to have faith that it will go well, but I'm nervous because this isn't just a job I want - it's a job I NEED. It could put my life back on the track it SHOULD be on instead of the one it has been on which is awful damned bumpy.

Alright, off to research ISP's.

Good night, moon

I've got so many thing going through my head. If I get a chance, I'm going to log on and be contemplative later.

Everything in my life is changing so fast...and I've got no complaints about the ride.

Tim, Hill, thanks for being there ALWAYS and thanks for all the fucking laughs. We kick ass.

And, Tisha, have the baby already!

Good night, World.

Dear Mr. Asshat

Whoever keeps leaving the number for the singles hotline in my comments can piss off.

Thank you. :)

For two people who I adore who hate each other.

Isn't that funny? Anywho - I've been listening to Keane a lot the past few months and this song totally struck me this morning. I'm sure neither the guy that I want to talk to nor the girl that I miss will read this thing...but this song is for them.

I don't know your face no more
Or feel your touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just the place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a another time
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well be strangers
Be strangers
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know

We Might as well be Strangers - Keane

Running around in circles in my head

I have my 2nd interview on Friday. HECK YES!

I'm telling you, things are turning around.

And I sold the diamond necklace so I can pay for nevin's bday party.
But I'm selling the Louis Vuitton purse and the antique Eisenberg Ice piece to pay off some other things.

And this weekend? Well, with the exception of me and matt's drunken falling out, everything was wonderful.
So, why did I go home at lunch and sob and write a sad blog on myspace about something that I should be TOTALLY over?
Fuck if I know.

Maybe it's because I had met someone who fit in the box and I blew it....and after writing the last blog, it hit me.

Someone got a hammer? I have a box that needs breaking down.

typecasting

Everyone has a type. Mine? Short dark hair, dark eyes, beautiful teeth, NO facial hair, semi-athletic build, 5'10" - 6'3", witty, charming and boyishly shy.

I need to get over it.

Due to the internet, I'm suddenly finding myself falling deep into intrigue with the minds of boys who do not even REMOTELY fit the perfectly constructed box that I like to put people in. They're amazing - smart, funny, charming, candid....

So, the question is, shouldn't my deep attraction to what's inside overshadow my vision of what's on the outside? I think that happened for the first time, recently, with Mike. That man had the whole look, except for the height (he was only 5'7") and he had the heart...but couldn't get past his issues long enough to let it stay on the surface.

Now there's a couple of people who's minds I have become incredibly attracted to. One doesn't fit into the box at all as far as looks go - yet, when he smiles, the inner beauty just exudes straight out of his eyes. The other, well, he fits into it pretty well but I can't see us dating as ever being productive for either of us because we are both contemplaters. We would pick apart everything until nothing made sense and slowly drive each other crazy.

Okay, honestly, I am seriously crushing on the one who doesn't fit my type at all.

So, why does it make me so nervous???

"Wow...we can't fix this tire"

..."but they're still under warranty so you get a new one for free!"

Yeah...today KICKS ASS!

The BEST Interview EVER

Wowser.

Who knew I was that good with words, confident, and had such great knowledge of business management practices?

I should write my parents a letter and tell them that the two years I spent at the USC Business School may have just paid off. I mean, seriously, this IS the job that would put my life back in order.

AND

I am absolutely beaming with eloquence right now. I'd better quit typing before I waste it.

There's a nail in your tire, miss.

No really - there was. Just when I'm all grins and giggles, there's a nail in my tire. and you know what? C'est la vie. I'm totally cool with it.

This just means that today will be the day that I sell that diamond and go about my business.

Ta Da.

WOW!

Lately, my comments are aflutter with compliments.
With how introspective and *blah* I have been lately, little things like that mean the world to me.

Thank you to all of the friends, acquaintances, and internet strangers who have stopped by and left words of encouragement, wisdom, and the occasional "you're hot!". You guys effin rock.

Thanks for making my day a little brighter....again.

*muah*
Miss M

How much can I not trust thee? Let me count the ways.....

So, I'm kind of relieved right now. I thought that the custody case was all settled and I was just waiting for a signature, right? WRONG! I get a message on friendster today from an old friend in LA that says "I don't remember why I was on the Los Angeles County inmate website but I thought I remembered you writing something about Jeff getting a DUI.....actually Mr. Taylor (that's nevin's dad) was arrested on 6/4/05 for possession of a controlled substance." Then, she sent me the link to the inmate register, to look up all of his recent offenses and what not because she said it'd be enlightening.

Holy fucking shit. I had no idea of even half of the trouble that he's in with the law.

On one side, it concerns me. I still care about Jeff deeply - he was my best friend before we ever got together and I will always have a soft spot in my heart for him. However, if he really thinks that I'm just going to be shipping my son off to visit him in Los Angeles - he'd better think again. I REALLY, REALLY want Nevin to spend more time with his dad....but it looks like it's going to have to be supervised until he can lay off the speed which he insists that he and his friends are NOT doing.

You would think that, after all these years, Jeff would know how much I LOATHE being lied to.

I miss the good old days when he was sober and hung out with Nevin in the park and taught him to ride a two wheeler. How some things change, huh?

On the other side of things, I guess there's not any kind of battle that's going to go on as far as Custody is concerned cuz, quite frankly, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.