A day off! A day off!

Sorry I've been so horribly absent. I've been working A LOT. This is my 12th day in a row, to be exact, and I'm exhausted and absolutely overjoyed at the idea of having Saturday off.

Don't stop - get it, get it.

Man, life is a whirlwind of action. I've been working A LOT but, hey, I could use the extra money. It will keep me afloat. No more payday loans to make it between paydays on account of my heaps of credit card bills. Well, that's the goal anyway....I'm just taking things one step at a time - paying off this, paying off that, paying off the other thing. There's a personal debt that i still need to take care of...which I promise I haven't forgotten...but life (and the looming possibility of creditors beating down my door) has prevented that.

Well, today was a brilliant day. I woke up a little bit late and got in the car and "My Philosophy" by BDP was on the radio. Thank you, Lord, for flashback Friday. So, I grooved to some old school MTV raps days jams and got to work. That was when everything went crazy. I realized that I have acquired a lot more responsibility around here than I started with. I'm working with our computer systems and networking and troubleshooting, I'm doing marketing and tradeshow coordination....I mean, technically, I'm still the girl friday, but I'm now a girl friday with the right to make some executive decisions and exercise some independent judgment. Thank goodness!

And...to top it off....sushi with some coworkers. Andrew and I did quail egg shots and it was good. Then back to work....hell, I'm still here printing some stuff that I need for the trade show this week. Leaving soon - amen to that!

In other news, last night was a blast. Watching/heckling the OC with David, Sarah, Jess & Tim was a great time. And Dave's interpretive dance was top notch! :)

I hit 10,000 and I missed it!

Sorry - I've been away. Not away per se, but I briefly traded in blogging for privacy. I know, you're thinking "a blogger wants privacy?" Well, sometimes things happen that make you feel the need to just not say anything....mostly because you know that the things that you want to say are only in your head because you're angry or you're hurt and you would ordinarily NEVER talk about someone that way. So, in the best interest of things, I haven't said anything.

But, now, I'm speaking.

I'm not going to talk about the situation that consumed my past two blogs cuz, really, I could care less. No, I've got better things to talk about. I've returned to the normal. The old friends. The old ways of having fun. The familiar has never been more beautiful. Thank God for what I always had but didn't always appreciate.

You know, Aleda's not moving back to Reno for the purpose of saving her marriage - and I totally agree. Besides, Ethan has offered to fly me to Puerto Rico to visit after they go to give us all a chance to relax. Thank the heavens, things are looking up!

I'm getting in some overtime this week, so I'll still be able to stay on top of my looming heap of credit card debt. Any day now, I'll be getting ahead. Any day now. :)

So, have a great day and I will post more later!

Thoughts on getting along.

I don't like harboring ill will towards people - I think it's bad for your soul.

Today, I find myself doing it. I don't like how it feels.

Today is going to be a great day. No one can ruin that for me. No one.
Besides, it takes too much energy to be angry.

Instead, I'll just trust Karma to do it's thing.
Although there was probably some karma from last summer hanging out...and that's where this all came from.

Finally - a good one!

Nevin's teacher is AMAZING! He's had teacher after teacher who knew that he had emotional issues but didn't want to work with me on getting him through his hard dad times...they would just send him home. The new teacher is TOTALLY different.

She noticed two things right away: First, that he is having some sort of a power struggle with her and Second, that he wants to be next to her all day. They were key indications for her and we've been having meetings and chats about how to motivate him in class and how to curb his rebellious tendencies. We met with the school counselor yesterday and we talked about how the situation with his dad at his birthday (which was very recent) may have affected him and looked at ways to help him build a trust with his teacher. AWESOME! I love this woman and am so thankful that she is willing to work with us and meet with us to take care of things.

In return, I'm taking a morning off of work every few weeks (once or twice a month) and volunteering in class. I was already a field trip volunteer, a home prep volunteer, and a new member of the PTA, but now I'm going to be an in class volunteer too! How fun! :)

This weekend is Nevin's soccer pictures. Awesome. They are going to be soooo cute! :)

Alrighty, I'd better finish getting this mop blow-dried so I can go to work.
*muah*

I need to just go back to LA where the girls I love and trust are

So, when the girl who is supposed to be one of your closest friends decides to put the moves on a guy that you were absolutely crushing on just DAYS after you have decided that things aren't going to work out, it makes things awkward. I mean, honestly, I tried to be nice and happy for her and whatever...but I'm not. Just the fact that she would move in on him that quickly kind of hurt my feelings.

I mean, I was really crazy about this guy but the phsyical attraction just wasn't there. No matter how into his head I was, I didn't look at him and get tingly. He didn't even try to look nice either time that I hung out with him, but he got dressed all nice to take her to the movies just 6 days later. 6 days. Augh. You know, I think she's a great girl and I'd love to see some guy all hung up on her and treating her the way she deserves. But did it have to be the guy who is barely walking out of my front door?

You know, there was a guy that I was interested in that she had kissed a few nights before. I didn't know all of the details until the day he was coming over to my house. It was pretty much the deciding factor in keeping the boy at friend length and not following up on the initial attraction. I learned my lesson last summer about ending up with someone that one of your friends had a thing for. It was terrible and caused us all a lot of grief and stress and, thus, I stay FAR away from those kind of situations.

So, then this boy gets all bitter with me and cusses me out about how I don't give guys a fair shot. WHAT?! Seriously, he says I write too many guys off and proceeded to call me names for it. I am sooooo tired of guys getting pissed off at me cuz I'm not going to date them. Seriously. Sorry, but I know what I get along with and what I don't - what I can live with and what I can't long term - what I need from a man emotionally....I'm WELL aware. It saves me from wasting a lot of time and energy on things that aren't going to go anywhere or are going to be nice for a while but end badly. Hence, I've only seen/dated 4 people since Jeff. Considering the number of men that have asked me out and the number of crushes that I have had that I didn't act on, I would say that my method is succeeding. Yes, one of those guys was a horrible mistake, and one of them I knew would never work out but was too much fun to pass up...but these things happen.

I guess she just doesn't understand where I'm coming from.
A) She seriously hurt my feelings. I tried to be the good friend and just be happy for her but it's too weird for me.
B) Why would she want a guy who is bitter about me anyway?

*sigh* I'm going to bed. Aleda, you had better move back BEFORE winter cuz life here just isn't the same without you. You are my saving grace in the midst of mayhem. And I am sooo calling you tomorrow.

Mom Bonding

you know, I haven't had much time for me lately. I've wanted to, but it's just not happening. Seems pretty much everything has been surrounding Nevin. His birthday, getting ready for his first day of school, other kids' birthday parties, soccer games, back to school night, meetings with teachers, PTA stuff.... wow. I've been so busy and yet I'm somehow not really missing the recreation.

Take for example this weekend. Friday night: sleep. Saturday, we made breakfast together and watched some toons before his soccer game. Came home. Maria's kids came over and played. To bed. Up at 3:30 a.m. to go to the balloon races. Big fun. Home at 8:00 - cuddle - nap. Up at 11:30 to get ready for Adam's birthday party. Bowling & High Ballocity until sometime after 5:00. Wow. Home, cuddling, and now he's asleep.

Today's birthday party was especially rewarding though. I met some mom's that I think I'd kind of been wanting to meet. I mean, I've hung out with Adam's mom before, but then Robert's mom showed up. Robert and Nevin are the class troublemakers. They feed off of each other's frustrations and taunt each other. They use each other to get out aggression...and now I know why.

Today was the first day that I found myself surrounded by single mothers who were going through the exact same thing that I am. I mean, yeah, I've hung out with single mom's before, but never with anyone who had the same issues with their child acting out like Nevin...and none who had the same issues as I have with Nevin's father. It was like having pizza with a support group. It was amazing. I mean, we could all sit there and talk about our children's behaviors and counseling experiences and things that were working for us and things that weren't.....wow. I feel so blessed today.

Who knew that just being a mom for a while and not giving any time to that party girl that lives inside of me would lead me into a situation that would make all the difference.

*sigh*

I'm finding myself a wee bit preoccupied and somewhat twitterpated. I've got spring fever in the late summer and I'm totally okay with that. I've just hit this point - I want that connection with someone again. Problem is, I keep crushing on men who are absolutely emotionally unattainable. That's probably the only reason I'm so comfortable liking them - because I know I can't have them.

But there's this guy I've been thinking about. Actually written a bit about him already (see the If I was a Painter blog) and it's strange. I want to hang out with him - talk to him - get to know him better....but I can't. Hugged him the other night and got chills. Not sure why. I don't know enough about him to be anything more than curious and intrigued...but in an entirely foreign fashion that makes me afraid to make that first move. I asked him to hang out...but I think I'm backing out of it just cuz I can't see myself being his type....not that I have ANY idea what his type is.

Enough about me and my infatuation. You've heard enough of that, haven't you?

Nevin is doing fabulous. And by fabulous I mean that he's learning to cope with his father issues. We've been working really hard on his listening skills and his problems with taking out his aggression on innocent people. I'm teaching him focus which, quite honestly, is something I know very little about...so it's a learning experience for both of us.

Man, I've got to get a good night sleep for a change. Three cheers for the morning.

Growing up

Not me - I refuse.

But Nevin started Kindergarten today. My baby is growing up. He was sooo excited.

Saddest part is that Nevin is going to want to call his dad to tell him all about it...and Jeff isn't even going to answer the phone. I just wish I knew at what point he would go from being heartbroken to being angry and finally to being done with trying to involve his father in his life. If Jeff wanted to be there, he would be - right?

Every bit of joy I feel with Nevin ends up being bittersweet...only because of the looming disappointment he'll feel later.

I wish I could just shield him from all of the pain I know he must be feeling. I know that it's better that he feels it and deals with it than internalizing it and letting it destroy him. But whenever my little boy climbs into my lap crying asking why his daddy doesn't call or visit anymore, I just don't know what to say.

I started with "Daddy's not making good decisions right now" or "Daddy doesn't have the money right now - Daddy has to work" but, fuck, it's really not my job to make excuses for him. But I don't want to tell him what Jeff's going through either. I figure he'll learn enough about it all when he's older and then he can decide whether or not he wants to pursue a relationship with his father.

Until then....

Today, this horoscope is beyond fitting.

Personal Horoscope for Yvette born January 10, 1978

Deeper understanding
This quality of time will help you to develop a deeper understanding of those psychological areas that are connected with the experience of pain, suffering and rejection. This influence is especially well suited to so deepening the understanding of these interrelations that the first inklings of how to carry out a healing can be perceived. During this phase it is important to talk to other people who are interested in this theme. This time is well suited to penetrating the complicated connections and dependencies between human behavior, the psyche and early injuries - to differentiate between cause and effect -, whether for yourself or for someone who has confided in you.

cable modems have been the death of verbal communication

You know, my computer is logged on to any number of websites all day every day. It can't be healthy.

I'm logged onto myspace...all day.
I'm logged onto here through a backdoor posting tool...all day.
I'm logged onto msn messenger...all day.

I communicate with the majority of my friends through emails and text messages - there have been 826 text messages so far this month.

Can someone please log me off and force me to have some real human interaction? I'm sooooo primed for it right now. :) Tonight is a great night to dance...and dance...and dance...and dance some more. Yes, please!

ahhh.....

Nothing makes a day brighter than starting it proper with pilates, a banana, and a tall glass of OJ. Today is going to be marvelous. I can feel it.

Looming manifestations

Do you ever notice how you create things inside your brain? I think that I often get carried away. I'll think too much about a situation and it will get bigger than it really is inside my brain. I break down every possible scenario, ever possible reaction, every way that I could lead things to happen the way I want them to. Jeff once told me that I did that (just a few months ago, when I asked him for some dating advice) and he urged me to stop. He said that I break things down as far as I can, because I'm only looking from my perspective. And then, when the other person's perspective brings a possibility to the scenario that I never could have expected, I shut down and find myself listlessly pondering.

Lately, reality is telling me to quit thinking so much. To let the universe take the course with me that it will. To let something else lead me for a change. And, yet, there's still all of these decisions to be made. Always.

I've recently assessed that I keep searching for someone because I'm simply tired of being alone. I want someone to share the good and the bad with again. I want someone to create special memories who will still be there a month later. I want it simply because I don't have it. And yet, whenever the opportunity peeks it head, I find a way to get out of it. I guess you really can't have it all. Although I'd kill for it right about now.

I guess I need to stop thinking about it so much. You know how it is - what you are looking for finds you the moments you put your hands up and quit looking. Know that I'm not looking. If something wonderful happens upon me, I won't pass it up, but I'm not going to make the effort to search it out. Apparently my judgment is off and I keep turning away from the one's that might actually be good for me to pursue another man who is as damaged as I am.

Maybe that just makes me feel like we are more on the same level. Like there are more ways for us to relate. I want to be with someone who has walked a similar path and made just as many mistakes.

Huh. Maybe that's my whole problem.

If I was a painter, I'd do your portrait from memory

Do you ever get hit with that admiration bug? Like you see someone and they just strike you with this beauty...and you see so much more behind that their eyes that you wish you could discover but know you probably won't. And you don't have the nerve to say hello, so you let the moment walk away from you. You can't have it back now, although you wish you did.

Yet, maybe, that moment will unfold in an even better way than it may have when you happened upon it. Maybe there's a reason you couldn't muster up the courage to introduce yourself. Maybe there's a better moment waiting that will lead to an unveiling.

Who knows, all I know is that I've been struck with a curiosity. Drawn in by a sixth sense that I can't much describe. A desire to dig deeper and find out just what is hidden under all of those layers of human that we put on ourselves.

I know, I crush too much. Sue me.

Happy 3 day weekend to me

Bah. I'm sick. My throat hurts, my sinuses are sore, I have a headache, I'm dizzyish...and to top it off I got virtually no sleep. Couldn't breathe right.

I must say, for the first time in a long time, I was thankful for my king size bed. Nothing like sprawling out all kinds of sideways and backwards when you're sick. Heck, Nev even climbed into bed with me and I didn't know it...until he woke me up coughing. and as I layed in bed at 3:00 this morning text messaging Hillary during her graveyard shift, I knew that today would not be grand in any fashion.

Here I am, at work. I can't concentrate. Too much on my mind - money, my health...but mostly Nevin. He's starting Kindergarten on Monday in the middle of heartbreak. His dad hasn't called him for 3 weeks today....bastard. I almost think Nevin's better off....but I know it will be a while before he'll adjust.

Oh well - things are getting better....just soooo slowly.

Blah

Hello again. I'm still here. At this very moment, I'm aggravated by the indecisiveness of other people...at work mostly. I just can't wait to go home, listen to some music and dance around with Nev. We're also going to go and buy all of his stuff for school - his little backpack and glue sticks and markers. HOW CUTE! :) It should definitely make today a little brighter...seeing as I'm feeling so goddamned melancholy for no reason.

And...my throat hurts.

Stupid allergies. This year is not going to kill me - but some days I wonder if it's not trying to. I should be the strongest woman on earth by next January 10th.

Although my horoscope today, that is supposed to be good until May 2006, said some HORRIBLE things. I'm apparently prone to accidents, broken bones, and arthritis/rheumatism this winter. WHAT?! That's the last thing I need to read is in the stars for me. *sigh* I guess that means, once it starts raining, no heels until spring. YEAH RIGHT. It really means I'll just have to be careful.

It's just those little things...

You know, I've been pretty damned happy lately. I mean, I have my bouts with loneliness but it never lasts for more than a minute or so. Usually, a hug from my little boy and it washes away. I think he could feel that I just wasn't 100% last night cuz he came in and layed down with me in bed.

I guess I'm just kind of walking away from a lot of things in my life right now. And walking into new, uncharted territory. It's not so bad and not near as scary as I thought it would be, but it's different....and I have come to loathe change.

I guess, for all the times that I said predictability was boring, I could use some in my life right now. Yet it seems the only things that are predictable are the shortcomings and mistakes. You'd think I'd learn something from that....