Sometimes, I just want to be saved from myself.

This year is going to be especially hard for me. It occurred to me today - when I was watching all of those kids hanging out with their dads in line at Safe Street - that this year is the year that we're really going to feel the impact of Jeff and I splitting up.

Yes, we've been apart for nearly two years now. In fact, two years ago this Christmas is the last time we kissed...and that was most likely a sentimental accident. Nevertheless, regardless of the fact that we weren't together, the holidays are about family and, thus, we spend them together. This year, he has missed them all. He was a no show for Father's day. He was a no show for Nevin's birthday. He's no longer invited to Thanksgiving. And, being that we haven't heard from him in nearly 3 months, I know he won't be coming around for Christmas.

This will be the first Christmas that I have woken up without him since 1998. Yes, he made his grand arrival last year on Christmas eve and we woke up and had coffee together and opened presents and it was just like always. This year, the lonliness is already stabbing at me a little.

I guess sometimes you just have to be careful what you ask for. I had everything that I had ever wanted....and it turned out to be the one thing that was capable of utterly destroying me. Of changing me from the happiest girl in the world to a bitter 27 year old shell of my former self. I've grown a lot the last two years, reshaping myself, reincarnating my soul, regaining the friendships and the family that I pushed aside because Jeff was my number 1....but there's still so much I've lost that I struggle to regain every day. Just thinking about what our relationship did to the core of my being makes me endlessly tired. And, yet, somehow it was worth every minute. I would never be the strong woman I am today without having had to fight back so hard for so many years. And I never would have had the courage to raise Nevin alone. Never. I guess, at least, Jeff taught me to believe in myself.

Still, while Nevin was sleeping in the backseat of the car, "All my Life" by K-ci & JoJo came on the radio (I still want that song played at my wedding one day) and it made me tear up.....sometimes, the one thing you've been waiting for ends up being exactly the opposite of what you expected....and it's crushing.

I guess a part of me love with Jeff until the day I die...but never be in love with him again. Unfortunately, I'm starting to think that a part of me will always hate him a little too. I'm busy, this year, trying to make that part of me go away...it's not healthy to harbor bad feelings towards people.

A small retraction

Dad and I worked things out. Some days, I wonder if he's reading this and he knows what I'm thinking. I hope not. I would hope that we communicate a little better than that.

Anyways, with that change in order, I MAY be able to return to my original moving plan. Only time will tell, huh?

Cross your fingers that a path makes itself clear to me by the first of the year.

Accepting the things I cannot change

No, I'm not in a 12-step program or anything, but they've certainly hit on a good point here. So, here's a couple of things that I can't change that I'm not going to dwell on anymore:

*Matt, you're an amazing person and I miss you terribly. While I believe that our falling out was more misunderstanding than anything (from what I remember cuz, honestly, I don't remember much of what happened in your car), I realize that I cannot hold myself responsible for some mistake that I don't even remember making. And while I had hoped that you would take the time to tell me why you were upset so that we could talk it over, I am accepting the fact that you aren't going to and that is that. I wish you the best, my friend, and hope that you find the happiness that you are looking for. If you ever need ANYTHING, know that I will always be here for you. Seriously.
*My dad has made a decision that I'm not too happy with. He believes it's "teaching me a lesson" but I believe it's his way of not believing in me. After all these years, I have to accept that my dad has never thought too much of me and that I will always live in the shadow of my psychotic older half sister. I guess I'm accepting that the mistakes she makes have hurt him in such a way that he does not believe that the rest of us can do any better. I can't change that....so I'm letting it die and generally ignoring anything that comes out of his mouth these days.
*I'm accepting that, on account of the decisions that my dad has made, it may take me longer than a year to get out of Reno.
*I'm accepting that, while my closest friends aren't here, they're still the best friends I will ever have. I have new friends that I love, and some that I've even become quite close to, but I will never have in Reno what I have always had at home. I am just going to have to accept that and finish out my time here.

I'm starting a new chapter, kids. I don't know what will happen from here but I'm not looking back anymore. I've learned. I've grown. I'm moving the fuck on.

I used to live on coffee and cigarettes

Now it's sugar free red bull and luna bars.

My how times change.

Nevin's daycare is closing on November 23rd. This leaves me and some 30-40 parents trying to figure out what to do with our kindergarteners. It's quite a precarious situation to be left in during the school year. Most places that can transport him to school and back have waiting lists. Hence, I may have to resort to home day care and, quite frankly, I am not excited.

Oh well, such is life. I just wish I could move tomorrow instead of next summer.

In a state of decompression

This last month has been crazy. Not just for me - but for all of my friends too. One good friend and her man got back together and put things on the best note ever. Another close friend and her man split up for good and she's regaining her freedom. I decided who I really valued and trusted as a friend and who I didn't...and I asked Jeff to please leave our son alone since he can't be consistent or keep his promises....not that he needed anyone to ask him to leave Nevin alone, right? ;) Heck, even things at work have changed a lot. I've got a newfound respect for my abilities in that office, especially after the amazing VPN stunt I pulled last week. I think that, when most people hire Executive Secretaries, they assume that you can type fast and have great grammar and good public skills...they don't necessarily assume that you could build your own computer, let alone network.

Anyway, things are changing ...A LOT. And, in some ways, I really like it.

Honestly, I'm already counting the days until next June. Nevin graduates from Kindergarten and then it's on to bigger and better things. I've already talked to him about the move and he is really excited. He loves the prospect of being close to family. It's been a long time since we've had family around. Seriously, my favorite uncle is there, a handful of cousins, my other aunts & uncles are across the bay...hell, even my little sister.

As I explained before, I'll never feel happy here because I feel as though I got marooned here. Like I was dropped off in the middle of the desert to find myself. Well, that mission has been accomplished. I have learned more about myself and life in the last 2 1/2 years than I ever would have imagined. I've grown volumes. But I'm ready to take that step to establish myself somewhere that I want to be. Somewhere that is going to feel like home. Somewhere that Nevin and I are starting a life all our own that was never tainted by Jeff and I's torrid and mentally exhausting relationship. Somewhere that I won't have to run into his friends. Somewhere that I won't think about him when I go certain places. Somewhere the Nevin won't drive through and say "me and my daddy went there when he came to visit, remember?" We're making a clean break. It's just about the two of us now.

Who knows, someday, Jeff may get cleaned up and may hold a job again and may be a valuable member of society again....and when he does, I'm sure he'll try to reach Nevin. And then Nevin can decide for himself whether or not he wants Jeff to be a part of his life. But, until then, I think that we both know that it's best that Nevin's not around him. Nevin deserves so much better.

You know, it's so great to have something to look forward to again. But, just to warn all of you, I'm on a super tight budget now - you know, so that I can pay off all of my credit cards AND save up some cash before I move next summer. So, if you ask me to hang and I say no...well, don't take it personal - I've just got some big stuff to take care of to make my dreams come true. I still love you all, I swear it.

*muah*

Working out a plan

Well, guys, Reno has been real but I think it's time for me to forge ahead. I can't move until next summer, but after talking with my family and with Tish, I realize that the Santa Cruz/Santa Clara area, the place where I was born, is going to be my final destination. I can have my ocean and my california climate...and I can also have my family and my friends nearby.

I guess we all start and end somewhere, right? Well, it looks like I'm going back to where I started come July...and it's the best feeling ever. Finally, something to plan and look forward to.

new day....same horrible feeling

I just want to go home. And when I say home, I don't mean my apartment...I mean home. I want to sit on Zuma beach and sort out the thoughts swirling in my mind. I want to go to Venice and roller skate with Nevin until the sadness goes away. I want to sit on the balcony at Van Gogh's Ear (or whatever it is now) and stare at the ocean and eat Blueberry French toast with my boy and let the wind blow through my hair.

Truth is, I don't want to be in Reno anymore. I don't even want to go out anymore. I always run into Matt and Alisa...and they are the only two people on earth who I care enough about to want to resolve issues. But, let's be honest...it ain't gonna fuckin' happen. Not today. Not this way. Things are just different now. And, hell, while the old and familiar is always comfortable, I think my longing is for a comfort that I have never had here.

I swear, a part of me died when I moved to Nevada.

I mean, really, I'm kind of trapped here. I would love to go back to Southern California but I don't want to give Jeff that kind of access to Nevin. I don't want his strung out ass thinking that he can have my son visit for the weekend. I don't want him to think that he can go pick up Nevin from school. I don't want him to show up when we're hanging out at the beach or wandering around Disneyland. And, honestly, if we were down there, he would. And I'm not going to make nevin face the train wreck that is his father. Nevin doesn't need to watch Jeff kill himself....Jeff's doing just fine without an audience.

I really need a cigarette. Every time I give up smoking, I find a reason to start again. And I REALLY need a cigarette.

Fuck you, fuck you...and FUCK YOU AGAIN

I don't know who decided to fuck with me today but I hope that someone tears your eyes out and pisses in the holes.

I swear, people think they are so goddamned funny. We are talking about me and my best friend here and someone's trying to stir up MORE shit. WHY? Why someone felt the need to try and fuck with my entire day is beyond me.

Go choke on something.

dumbfounded

I got a comment on my last post that left me with a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't explain.

If it was really left by the person who it was supposedly left by, then I am beside myself and want to talk to him more than I could ever express.

But something tells me that it was left by someone else just to get to me and see how I'd react.

Well, whoever left it, I'm going to say something that I've been wanting to say.

Truth is, I adore that boy with my whole heart. I fell in love with him the day I met him and got over it because he wanted me to. I never thought of the idea of giving anything a second chance because I knew he would never want it. So, I grew to love him as my best friend and accepted that. And maybe I always, silently, had a huge crush on him - but that was just because I knew his heart. And no matter how many times I was given the chance to act on it, I didn't, because I wanted him to find his own happiness. He was blissfully happy with someone else, and I was totally behind it because I adore seeing him happy. I never, ever would have done something to get in the way of his happiness. And if I ever did - it wasn't to be spiteful or vindictive...it was completely accidental and I'm horribly sorry. So, he became my "what if..." boy. The one you always wonder what things would have been like if the timing had been better or circumstances had been different...but he was my best friend above all, and I respected that.

So, today, I get the comment on my blog that made my head spin. The comment proposed that he, or someone pretending to be him, was in love with me and never told me and that he was sorry.

Well, to that I say this:

If you said and you meant it, call me. Obviously, we should talk.

If it wasn't you, well, if you didn't know already - now you do.

..and if it takes shit to make bliss well I feel plenty blissfully

I saw modest mouse last night. The show was free. a) I won tickets from the radio station and b) I didn't even check in, I just showed up looking good with my hot friend and they stamped our wrists and let us in. Fuck yes, good times, good times.

Anyway, the pit was wild. Lots of stage divers, crowd surfers and moshers but, as long as they don't mind getting a stilleto heel rammed into their leg, I'm cool with it. And I have to say "Thank you, Modest Mouse" for playing 3rd Planet cuz it's my favorite song by them, hands down.

Someone who I once considered a dear friend was there with his girlfriend. I hope they're happy now that she's back in town, but he and I really need to talk. People shouldn't get into arguments when they're drunk - bad things ALWAYS happen. Truthfully, I don't even know what it was but (and I believe he said that he didn't remember), after that, the pot got stirred, 3rd and 4th parties got involved, and everything got messy. Truth be known, I miss him more than I have ever missed any friend that I've had a falling out with. *sigh* Que sera, sera. I will just wait to see what fate has in store for the future.

Today - the Italian Festival. Yummy food, good company, and laughter. I love laughter. I do. It makes my world go round, lately. I laugh about everything these days. You make me happy, I laugh. You make me angry, I laugh. And now I've got a video camera to capture all of my delirium on. It's the best gift Ive ever received. Thank you, dad, for granting me a gift which which to make beautiful memories of smiles and love and laughter. You're the best.

I will update sooner rather than later.

Much love.

I know the truth about you.

It kills me. Sometimes, you should be careful what you are looking for cuz you just might find it and you might end up more disappointed than you ever imagined.

Jeff has been formally asked to no longer be a part of Nevin's life due to his inability to be consistent. It is healthier for Nevin to be without him than ride the relationship roller coaster that he has kept all of us on for so long. Now I believe that the counseling will finally pay off and we can make progress that will stick because we're not stuck in the wake of his destruction anymore.

Thank God for our freedom...whatever it may be from. More often that not, it's from ourselves.

Why do we hold ourselves back on account of other peoples mistakes.

Move forward, goddammit. Keep moving forward.

Right now, I've got to be a mile ahead of you....you know who you are.