Shit.

So, I had been using this 3rd party widget for my Tiger OS dashboard to publish blogs and they have apparently been lost in cyberspace. Fuck.

Here's the recap of the 3 blogs that disappeared.

Met awesome guy at the Green Room.
Met ANOTHER awesome guy through a friend.
Wine Walked, watched football, laughed much.
First awesome guy ended up coming across in a less than lovely manner and I walked.
Maybe it was because I feared his 4 children and was searching for an excuse.
Maybe it was because he made me feel sub par....which I'm not.
Second awesome guy is heinously busy and, though I hear he's interested, he isn't making it known to me.
I'm not one to hold my breath and wait...so that option may dissipate if something doesn't come to fruition.

It's the holidays with only half of a family. We'll be home for Christmas. It leaves me a little listless. I hate to get the traditional holiday depression, but this year I can feel that I'm going to have to force the spirit a bit. I'm sure it will still be beautiful.

Work = good.
Bills = paid...although money will still be tight 'till after Christmas.
Friends = incredible.

I'm waiting to see how things pan out all around....and this time, I'm not holding my breath waiting for anything inparticular to happen. In fact, I'm kind of longing for a surprise.

Thanks to the troops...mine, that is.

So, I was looking for a piece of paper last night....and I opened an old messenger bag that I had and found a notebook. Not just any notebook - THE notebook. Those of you who were around in 1999 know what I'm talking about. It was a spiral bound notebook, covered in stickers from the B3 X-games Qualifier and the Vans World Tour. Remember that - back when I hung out at skate parks all day long and was at every competition because I lusted after boys that were good on the vert ramp? I forgot what a love I had for a man doing a 540, followed by some varials and frontside tailslides. *sigh* I've got to start getting back to my roots.

Anyways, I pick up this notebook and open it...and there they are. Journal entry after journal entry about me and Jeff. Things changed in a hurry in 1999 and I wish that I had the good sense to read between the lines back then.

The minute I quit partying as much everything turned to shit. I read myself writing down that I had never felt so loved and how much I cared about him....and a week later, after he got depressed, I got to reread how he would belittle and berate me when he was angry. How he would talk badly about others to make himself feel better. How he would disappear while I was sleeping to go and do drugs...and then I got to the page where the real nightmares began - when I was pregnant with Nevin and he didn't want him. And then I got to the page with my travel plans for moving away....first to Fresno, then to Paradise...and then all of the paperwork from my MediCal application.

Why I didn't see then what I had gotten myself into is beyond me. Why I continued to look for t he good in a man who was only wonderful in phases...well, it just doesn't make any sense looking back. And why I let him come back in my life...well, now it's obvious that I only did it for Nevin. And I then invoked 3 years of hell on the both of us.

I know, hindsight is always 20/20.....but I guess my journal just left me amazed at how fooled I had myself. Truth is, I don't think we ever fooled anybody else.

So, to all of you who have stood by me through this mess - thank you. I am glad to say that it's over. While I sometimes miss having a complete family, I don't miss Jeff. His redeeming qualities are completely shadowed by his controlling and selfish tendencies - by his anger issues and his heartlessness.

I guess this Christmas I should be celebrating the freedom that my son and I have been given to ENJOY life instead of just exist.

I would also like to take this opportunity to invite those of you close to my heart to spend the holidays with me & nevin. Because without you, I wouldn't be who I am today. Besides, kids make the holidays better - seriously. And I need someone to wake up on Christmas morning and cook with me while we drink Coffee & Carolan's.

I love you guys. Thank you - for everything.